Summed up in one, maybe?

I guess there are so many beginnings to start at I have no I idea where to begin. Anthony and I are having a rough patch but hopefully things will smooth over in time to come. School is a bust because I offended this girl not knowing it but it's like were having a silent argument. I'm not sure if i need to face the issue address it or just let it be and avoid it. I'm not exactly sure if there is a right or wrong in the situation and I guess thats what kills the most. Sometimes I don't understand myself but people can be so complicated to the point where I give up trying to understand them. I mean our minds and bodies are so complex it's really hard to understand where anything comes from or how people's imagination can turn the world upside down. Will she ever forgive me or just leave the air open and clear for whatever to happen if anything does happen. I just want to be able to look at someone smile and be friendly instead of fearing what people think of me. It scares me more than anything when people judge me because they have no idea who I trully am on the inside. I struggle every day of me life to get out of the bed and see another bright sun in my window shining directly on me. I'm not sure if the anxiety is medical but it's definantly mentally tough for me to comprehend at times. I try to relax and smile at the little things that make me happy.I love to jam at the top of my lungs in the morning to Taylor Swift, Darius Rucker, and whatever is on the radio that I can find. It makes me feel like i'm untouchable at that moment and nothing in this world could stop me from being exaclty who I am. I don't understand why i'm not accepted by others but I guess it has to start we me first and maybe people can see a different light in me. I love to settle down with a good book and just get lost from the real world at times. I've realized a lot over the past 4 years of high school that grades and academics aren't everything in life. It's like you have to have a mixture of social, sports or hobbies, and a sense and security of who you are inside out and not rely on everyone else to make the next move for you. Sometimes standing alone is better than being in a crowd and not even know your own name.I've always wanted this dream of graduating the top of my class and receiving honors at graduation but it is so much harder than it seems. No one is there to guide you through achieving that dream accept to tell you whats next and not how the present will change what is next on the to do list. It's like you have a mind of your own and there is no use for it at times. I've gotten to the point of giving up then it's like everytime I try to the flashbacks of the past and the reasons why I have that goal keeps coming back to me. There really is no explanation or reason why as to why I just loose faith and drop my life at a moment's notice. I feel like this life is a journey and if I don't figure things out i'll be on the wrong path and miss out on the things I want greatly in life. I wish there was a handbook to life but obviously there isn't or we would all be lined up at the Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million getting a copy for whatever price. That is similar to the bible as to how it is the basic instructions before leaving earth i'm just curious as to how many people line up to purchase it. Sometimes I feel very sad inside from the things i've walked away from left behind and became grateful for. I guess we have to leave things behind in order to realize the victory that is in store for us on the path ahead. I've had to let go of some things that have always been with me and honestly it was for the best. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward and learn how to be unshakable and stand my ground. I've walked this earth with my head down at times worrying about everyone else and for once I just want to be selfish and love myself for who I am and what i've contributed in this life time. Somethings I do feel like regretting but in the end it was worth the wait and the pain I suffered through life. I guess walking on pens and needles can sometimes make our skin tough enough to let go of what ever comes after us. You know I had a friend who was amazed with me and i'll never forget those words he once spoke to me it changed me in many ways possible. He said for all the things that happen to you your a very strong person to put up with everything. At that moment I had never realized how much I had been through and put up with and was still able to stand up and continue my day with such ease as I walked up and down the hals and through students to class. I was pretty beside myself and saw a brand new me. I guess i've always wanted myself to be perfect in everyone elses eyes and never bothered to ask for my own opinion.......