Untitled

I've been pretty stressed out and mellow at times and really just trying to get my head together. I'm not certain that I do have it all together just yet.I mean yes I do need to get things together and maybe try a bit more harder. I wish I could tell someone the truth but i'm holding so much back and will and can't lie about that. I still can't let things go and i'm about to get the biggest reality hitter of my life and letting things go. It just hurts when you feel like everyone you onnce knew and loved betrayed you in all ways possible and wasn't damned sorry about any of it. I don't understand what I did wrong will someone please tell me or just give me a hint. But I guess betrayel can carry a long way without love nor remorse.

Anxiety

Today has been great and very anxious day. I tried my best and yes I do feel betrayed and left alone but I thought I made the best of my situation and not just ruin my day. I did a great job in school today not my best but I definantly got through it. I've had my phone off for about three days now and it feels good to be free for a bit. I do have pracctice and hopefully can make it through that. I feel somewhat depressed and sad but I know I can definantly pull through and hopefully just get though with a smile. I'm pretty happy right now and thought about how much I need to accomplish and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm such a great person inside out and wouldn't want anything more or less. I'm not the most beautiful or intelligent but I do the best I can. I know I can do better and i'm glad I can do what I do because some people aren't as blessed. I'm thankful for what I have even if I loose it there is always a reason behind why that just happens. I can't do anything but smile and make the world work for me. I know who I am and wouldn't change it for the world.

Stressed

I feel like such a complete failure it's not even funny anymore nor should it ever be taken lightly. Its effecting everything I do and I honest to God can't take anymore of it. I'm not happy i'm only miserable as the day goes by. I hate school and don't ever want to go back. It's literally killing me and I can't stand not one bit of it. I'm trying but its just not hard enough or something else is missing and i'm just not seeing it. I hope i can really pull trough and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I can but i just haven't figured out yet. I hope God get through me this. All I have to trust and believe and see the beauty through this pain.

Homecoming

I definantly had to work tonight and not very happy because I missed homecoming and you wouldn't believe the pep rally. You better believe I was pissed. I mean damn just like that you turned your back on me and I just won't allow that to happen. You really think that you can break me but you've only made me a stronger person everytime you decide to screw up and i'm not blaming anyone but you. I'm trying my best to do what I can do and to make the best of each day. I try not to get ahead of myself but sometimes I do. It seems i'm always losing or doubting myself when I know good and well I shouldn't . I really don't know what to think anymore or what to say. I thought I found a little bit of what I was looking for but oops I guessed wrong. I feel like absolute and utter complete sugar. It's ridiculous at how I need to let things go and honestly I haven't and it's seriously killing me working its way from the inside out. It's like a silent killer and my emotions are the victim and my heart is being convicted. I have no self esteem at all and I swear I just fake my way through the day and just pray I make it through. I really need to learn how to let things go but i've never been taught and always had to figure out my own way. It's gotten so much harder for me and I can barely stand on my own two feet. I wished and hoped for so much but that never came and maybe just maybe I won't slip or screw up. Everytime I feel like i'm making progress one day I just take 24 steps back the next. I can never stay on track and it hurts more that anything just to see my self failing and falling at what should be a piece of cake. I guess you can't have the cake and enjoy it too. I can't take it anymore and it bugs the hell out of me and I don't want it to continue nor do I want to end something as beautiful as life. Ok so maybe I do. I don't know what to think anymore let alone do. I'm trying to get help and I guess thats the only thing I can do right now. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now but I may just have to havea good one. What am I going to do? I really don't what i'm going to do anymore. I guess I just have to keep going and make the best of my feelings and emotions and just keep on holding my head up high and walk where the right path is laid out for me. I want so much for myself and I know I deserve the world and so much more but figuring out how to get there is another thing. So I guess life can be a pain in the ass or maybe just a few bumps in the road.

Make Sense of It All

Will there ever be a day when I don't think of you dream of you or see you. I've been trying to let things go and I have but it seems at other times I can't. For some reason your still inside of my heart and it just won't let you go. I haven't necessarily figured it out but yes it does bother me. I go day to day trying to figure if this is really what I want or am I just psyching myself. Have I thrown all i've ever dreamed out for just a few minutes or a lifetime. School is stressful and a huge pain in the butt but i'm making it one step at a time. Every time I want to call you and meet you half way I always make it harder than it seems but arms lenght isn't just a mile away. I've given up so much but the realization isn't there. The look in your eyes is like you care so much and we haven't yet departed. I put so much on the line all for what I don't understand but yet believe so strongly in.

Obviously

Well pretty much we got back together and broke up again. I really understand it a little bit but not entirely. I see how you react when i'm around and it seems your just stone cold facial expression and yet sad at the same time if that makes any sense. There are three other guys who have made it very apparent they like me but I don't think I feel the same way about them as much as I do about you. Honestly as it doesn't seem like it but I miss you a lot. On the outside I try to cover it up and play it off but truth is I love you so much to point where it hurts and I mean the literally.I can see right through you and it kills me to see others believe that crappy act you put on. This past week on Thursday I lost a very close friend of mine and it's kills me from the inside out. Reality has not yet set in for anything at this point. I just think everything was a dream like it has always been. It never hit me that you would leave me so soon and I never got to spend those moments with you and tell you goodbye. It really has hit me how much i've missed but the thing is I regret never seeing you and now i'm paying for it.

Later

I've finally started school and seeing someone else but there you decide to show up again and we hug and hold hands for a few seconds then you leave. i really dont know what to think now maybe i'll explain later.

Can't Take it Anymore

ok seriously im about to like loose it. i can't stand not having richard in my life it is seriously killing me. i finally talked to him but that just made things worse for me and i guess he was somewhat happy about it. im actually debating whether or not i should call him and maybe we could talk for a little bit longer or work things out. well i just dont know thats why im asking you cause most of the time your usually rite.lol. living only 3 mins away from each other im bound to run into him or his aunt and uncle who i swear still loves me. im suppose to go out w/ another guy just to clear my head and relax but im afraid that if he sees me w/ another guy i know i've really screwed up. i'm trying to wait it out and if things are suppose to be worked out they will but ya i don't think i can hold out any longer.

Too Much

This is seriously beggining to be too much for me these past couple of weeks. People at my job won't let it go and keep bringing it up though i'm determined not to let it bother me but it does sometimes. Everywhere I turn you're always there and I just keep running from you but somehow you're still there. When I want so bad to let go and make the best of life things. My understanding is that people will do anything to see me fall and I won't let that happen. It feels as if you're with me all the time just like you never left me and things weren't so akward. I'm trying so hard to really step up and do what I have to do but it's funny how you haven't left my life just yet. Sometimes I wished things were played out so much more differently and you jsut weren't there. But you know God has a purpose and reason for everything and that is just what I have to figure out. Normally I don't have dreams but lately you've always managed to pop in there somewhere just casually and it just confuses me even more than what I was actually thinking. Can life really throw you a football for the touchdown and you go through hardships to get there or are you just untouched? It kills to see myself the way I am and I am definantly open for change and to make myself better. I guess you can say deep down I know he is still there and never left me no matter what. Ok just maybe.lol.

Alright

Yesterday was alright and work was not that bad at all it was quite enjoying because it kept my mind off of somethings that I was concerned about. Then the unexpected happened one of my coworkers asked about my relationship with my x and I was just like just great now it's like everyone has to bring it up even though I pretty laid down how I felt about him to my coworker. I'm trying to move on and forget him but everytime I do someone always makes a point of mentioning him. This happens everytime when I want to just move on and live my life he always ends up there somewhere throughout the day. I"m alright but just not understanding I just wished I had some understanding now im just at ease but no words. I am reading a really great book Dariy Queen by Catherine Murdock. I definantly sugguest it to anyone who likes a good reality check.LOL. Well somewhat.

Bad Day

ok seriously im about to like loose it. i can't stand not having richard in my life it is seriously killing me. i finally talked to him but that just made things worse for me and i guess he was somewhat happy about it. im actually debating whether or not i should call him and maybe we could talk for a little bit longer or work things out. well i just dont know thats why im asking you cause most of the time your usually rite.lol. living only 3 mins away from each other im bound to run into him or his aunt and uncle who i swear still loves me. im suppose to go out w/ another guy just to clear my head and relax but im afraid that if he sees me w/ another guy i know i've really screwed up. i'm trying to wait it out and if things are suppose to be worked out they will but ya i don't think i can hold out any longer.

Lost

Over the past few days things have been really confusing for me and I really don't know where to began or where to start. People are judging me and i'm not liking it at all. No one will listen to me and they are just full of shit and it really starts to wear on me. What does it take for people to understand who i really am? I'm not getting this at all. I really want to live my life the way it's suppose to be and not satisfy others. I still miss him and we probably will see each other at school but I want more than that. It still hurts me badly and I want the best for us and maybe things will work out just like they are meant to be. I just hope life won't give us the short hand in the long run because of our actions. I'm not giving up on you no matter what. It's like my head tells me just to back off and everything will just cease but my heart is pushing me foward and won't let it go. I'm confused and misunderstood but maybe just maybe it will work out. How I can pull this off will be just the next step.

Happy

We finally had a conversation today at workouts and we talked like nothing ever happened. Although I know it was there in the back of your head and mine too. Maybe things will finally workout between us but I really don't want to keep my hopes up and me smacked in the face. That wouldn't be so pleasent. After we talked it just made my day and workouts feel so much better and we played dodgeball which was a blast and I definantly enjoyed it. If things are really meant to be just maybe we will be back together. Trust me the smile I have hasn't faded away just yet. I called Sam and told her and i'm definantly looking foward to life but in the mean time I just want to get through life one step at a time. I did see your new tattoo so maybe things have changed between us but i've changed and maybe you have to.

Silence is Deadly

Lately I haven't seen you and even though that's what I want but when you're not there I really want to see you regardless. I hope that makes sense.LOL.Workouts today were ok i was left alone because non of my friends showed up so I winged it alone. I made the best of it and i'm not caring who notices me or what I do. I know that I feel better as a person inside out and nothing more further on that part. There is so much silence between us it's folding out to be seriously deadly. There are so many unanswered questions and I really can't figure them all out. Even though i'm trying my best to do so. Memories still flood my mind everyday that I see you and the reminders that surround me daily. I really thought I moved on but facing reality is that i haven't not in the least. It's funny how you long for something to the point where you strive to make it reality when in fact it isn't the true reality.There is never a moment I don't think of you and I want the best for you and more years to come but that makes it even more painful. I hope these unanswered prayers are the best option right now for me because I have so many. You meant the absolute world to me now I feel like I have to start back at square one. I've realized that my love for you never stopped even though I wanted it to for a long time. My heart and my feelings were totally oppposite I never knew which direction to turn. I didn't have someone there to guide me and I honestly lost. I've tried walking away but the tears, love, fight, laughs, and your eyes kept me. Bluntly the only thing holding me. I'm still pretty pissed off at you no doubt and I try not to let it show on my face. It shows the yellow sunshine on the lake reflecting what is really true. I always try to stay true myself but lately i've been struggling. I'm making the best of life and I hope you realize how much your going to miss me when i'm gone.

Not Sure

Some comments that were made from other girls some what pissed me off. i'm not liking or taking it to well. i mean i don't understand why you bother stepping into the gym. it just pisses me off more everytime i see you. it brings back more memories than i can afford let alone handle. i understand that there is some tension between us but thats 110% your fault. you never even concitered my feelings. it's like i don't even matter to you its just all about Rich boy Michigan. But down south every girl is treated with respect and love not just fun and games. when your down here you better learn quick about a true southern gentleman. you really hurt me and i live with blaming myself but now i've begun to realize i was never wrong. the only person that seriously screwed up was you and nothing more or further. i try not to acknowledge you and just walk away like you never existed but you say you wanted to be friends. my thoughts are how come you never told me goodbye? why do you want to be friends? what is the real reason we broke up? why did you lie to me? if i was so important to you why did you let me go? why do you smile everytime you see me? why did you make me keep the ring? why you shared some things with me you don't even tell your own family? why you wanted me to be apart of your family? well i guess if were meant to be everything will fall into place. i wish i could figure you out but as each day goes by it gets more confusing. well maybe things will work out itself maybe i'll smile back if i'm nice enough. i just wish things would happen sooner and i know they want.

Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.- Mary Hemingway

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Make Sense

I'm trying to make sense of everything that has been going on but i guess there is some progress. i never would want to give myself false hope which i know i'm leading to. i find it hard not knowing what will come next. it gets pretty tough for me but most people don't know it. i know i'm hiding my true feelings and holding back a lot that i shouldn't. Sam figured out that i still loved you and it's pretty much written all over my face. the ring i haven't figured out what to do with it yet. you never asked for it back even though i wanted to give it back. i don't know if you made me keep it out of spite or for the sake of your own self. i already see you 3 times a week which makes it hurt even worse sometimes. you still have that silly grin on your face when you see me. i just look blank and maybe give a half smile. i think maybe there is some hope for this lost cause but then when i look at the big picture it doesn't appear that way to me. i think about you everyday and still make the best of it without you. i thank God everyday for his grace and blessings he has put on my life and being there for me when i needed him most. He never left me and i'm glad to have him where i treasure him most in my heart.without my friends i really don't know where i would be or how far i would have come. i still find reasons to smile everyday becaue without a smile my life wouldn't be the same. i feel like i'm starting to be myself and making the best of it. there will always be a part of me that wishes we could be back together. the other part of me gives up completely and never sees anything. the way you looked at me and smiled and waved seemed like there was something else. i swear you looked so sad but i can't figure it out even though i try to make sense of it all. when you left it was like that smile left your face. i thought you were dating another girl and i may be right., just haven't figured it out yet. i don't understand why your always in the gym while us girls workout. i mean every single time i see you there i hate your guts even more. it just pisses me off and every memory begins to haunt me and it starts to suck. i feel like just crying and kicking your ass but i just hold back. you never wanted to tell me the truth about what really happened. i wish we would have talked about it like we do everything else. but you never bothered to ask me anything or be honest with me about somethings, same goes for me. i just feel that there is something you want to say to me and it's all in your eyes and written on your face. i just wish there was a way. i know things will work out itself and i just have take each day one step at a time.

Overwhelmed

Well i swear you come and chat up your coaches and you watch me workout unless it's some one else. But i have no idea who. Then the most coincidental thing happened. Ebony showed up now i have my suspicions and they maybe right. i'm curious is t owhat your up to because if it involves me i want to know up front. no point in hiding anything from me because i eventually find out anyways. i'm so tired of people not being up front with me because then you loose my trust which i think is vital in any relationship no matter what. it may take some time to tell me but i'd rather know than not know. i guess i'll let time take it's course and maybe just maybe there is hope for us in the end. i know we deserve each other. that look in your eyes and the smile across your face isn't for nothing.

Betrayed

I really don't get why after a good year you decide to up and leave. thanks for my two weeks notice. you have no idea how much i wanted to shove that ring down your throat and made sure it stayed there. how could you leave me for that disgrace to society. you betrayed me and i feel like the whole world is against me. i still see you and plan on just letting you suffer in silence even though you wanted to be friends. i know you still love me not like me and the entire world can tell by the way you stare me down and smile at me every chance i even bother to make eye contact. you really screwed up and now your paying your debt. i made you miss me and don't regret doing it. your jaw dropped literally should've seen your face definintly priceless.you actually think i'm going to crawl back to you think again. if anything you should be on your knees begging me back. i'm moving on and making the best of life. but you're not making it any easier for me or yourself and it's quite clear how we both feel about each other. i haven't stopped loving you and don't plan on ever stopping. life is just a day at a time and maybe things we'll be ok for us.