Joyous Christmas!

So yesterday was okay for a Christmas with the family. Things did not turn out to be the best, but I really tried hard to give my parents the best I could since they were not able to do much this time around. It was a bit frustrating because my younger sister did not help or give anyone anything this Christmas. I was talking to Anthony the other day in the car and was explaining how people can be so selfish. I told him that if God could give his one and only Son to save our lives, why couldn't others give to people too. It's not all about us a lot of times and we just need to show love. He did agree that I was right and that no one should ever think of themselves only. There is nothing wrong with me time and having your good book and glass of wine. I just don't understand how the simplicity of giving your time or love to someone will hurt. It will only make you appreciate everything you have. My parents spoil that child to the ends and she just doesn't understand hard work or even giving back. Of course I gave Anthony a few gifts and he loved them all. He really shocked me this year and got me a lot of things I didn't expect. But all in all having him home for Christmas was the best thing in the world. And I thank God for every moment and breath we take together. I know others were not able to have their men home and I take my heart into that. I hope everyone had the absolute best Christmas and enjoyed themselves

Back Home

So today was absolutely wonderful. Anthony and I spent the entire day together shopping, eating, and hanging out. It felt great to come home and relax and have some free time. Lately I've been really sick and not able to get any much time to rest. I woke up this morning to pink eye unexpectedly and hoping no one caught it from me. Right now I'm just relaxing, watching Family Guy and trying to feel better. Only a few more weeks until I tie the knot and boy am I nervous. 

Finals!

So I started my new job today in which I'm enjoying so far. I have only less than two months to be ready for Anthony to make it up here with me and I'm really nervous for him. Things are going to be a lot different and hopefully for the better. With God on my side there is a lot of things that need to be considered and I'm not exactly sure where to go at this point. Hopefully things will be okay and my marine will adjust well. I can see him having that issue, but I know he will work through it. Plus he has a new unit and I know he really is trying to adjust. I pray things will work out for the best.

Deployment Here We Come.

So after my wonderful weekend with my sweetheart we had a talk about deployment and something that I have been pushing behind me for a while now. I have so much to get together and I'm no where near getting everything taken care of. We are finally moving to a nice place and getting that put together. I'm reminding myself that we move in two months and I feel no where near prepared.There are so many things that need to be taken care of.

Finally It Is Over

Of course I wake up just in time to get ready for class today and finally got through my presentation.(: Praise God!! because I was so ready to get it done and over with. I went and had lunch with Katie and boy did we talk about some much needed stuff and crazy things going on in our AMS class. Then I ran into some people I really did not want to see. But I'm just glad that I was able to get through the day because tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY!!!! On that positive note Ciao!

Just Tired

Lately I've been extremely aggravated and just flat out tired. I have not been able to sleep for weeks and it's really been working my nerves pretty much. Then today the unexpected happened and I ran into someone I definitely did not want to see or bother to near. It made me sick to my stomach and very pissed off because I'm tired of being treated so harshly and I have done nothing. I went my separate way for a reason and I intend on keeping it that way. No one understands that when I make a final decision I really do mean it and do not expect back lash. I really thought that moving away would make my issues go away but they have gotten so much worst and I really do not want to deal with anyone because it is driving me up the wall.I really do not understand why people always treat me like crap when I have done nothing wrong. It really hurts me and who I am. And then people complain that I never want to interact with anyone but if they keep it up of course I don't want to be around you.Being rude to me and telling me how much I am disrespectful to you is not going to get the point across. I'm tired of being the nice one all the time and being played like a dog. Last time I checked I was not on four legs barking no where soon. I am a human being with feelings and opinions too. Just because you have a mouth does not mean you have to use it in order to harm people and get your way. Because guess what?! No one will ever get their way so just kill your expectations and shut the hell up. Seriously can you just grow up and get along with the world. I have done nothing to you or anyone else for that matter and it tires the hell out of me when ya'll actually think I will be kissing your ass. Newsflash: I don't think so because last time I checked the only thing I will kiss is Jesus' feet because he obviously has a lot more meaning than anything else in this world. I'm pretty sure he would be proud of me even though it hurt more than anything to just sit there and you flaunt yourself like God given when everyone knows that no one is perfect. It really works my nerves and I really do not understand why it even bothers me but I don't like ti be treated like crap or like I don't have myself together. Last time I checked which was recently, I am not perfect in any way no matter how hard I try. I just want to be left alone and stop being the butt of everyone's jokes. It really isn't fair to me at all because I never had the intentions to hurt anyone at any time.Sometimes I wonder why I'm so depressed all the time because people just walking around with a stick up their ass.Okay I'm fine now but that still doesn't make it okay under any circumstances.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Well today was great with my family and all the eating we did. I'm actually home now and just trying to relax before diving into my studies. I have a lot to do. I'm actually going to relax and try to calm my self down. Once again a rough night with Anthony and things are not getting any better. Looks like we're only going down from here but i'll see. Until then I just want to take my life easy and maybe try something new. Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!

Waking Up

I feel so tired for some reason but then again I just woke up. My mom called and was like wow you're actually sleeping late and yeah I had a long night with my friend Destiny. We were at Tolly Ho's last night eating and having some much needed talking.It made me realize how much of a communication break down was going on between Anthony and I. The distance is our issue and with me here and him back home it has gotten a lot tougher. I honestly thought that our communication would lapse while he was t Boot Camp and SOI, but it was actually okay and we had our days. I mean when he came back home things were not different between us. It was just that we both had changed and adjusted well to each other and we were fine.I really don't know what happened between the time he was home for leave until he is home now until they tell him otherwise. Hopefully this can be solved and worked out. I really need to head out because I'm having lunch and study time at the library today. Hopefully things will get better.

Lately

Things have gotten a lot better, but obviously I am still struggling with a lot. I do have to say at times I am very proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes to my life in a positive way. I think that it takes bad things in life to happen in order to see the life you can achieve. I know I sound way to in depth about this whole thing, but that is just the way I am. Okay I admit only sometimes. Well this past weekend I went to the Marine Corp Ball which was nice and a fun weekend spent with my dear.We had fun but also the bad times too. Then to make an idiot out of myself I left my phone usb charger at the hotel. So I had to order one off of amazon and to make my day complete my phone charger decides to break on me. I am hoping it will make it through the weekend until my new chargers come in. I'm just laying in my bed being lazy until I get the energy to do my homework for an hour or two. I'm so excited to go to Tolly Ho's tomorrow night with my friend because they have these amazing oreo shakes. Then I have been having some health issues which have been throwing me off tremendously of a great deal. So I think that I really can't wait to see my friends for my early birthday dinner. It's rather sad actually because I don't care if anyone shows up except for my boyfriend and best friend Katie. We have so much talking to do I'm totally expecting her to stay the night over because I know we take forever to talk. I'm just ready to see her and my adorable dog Sissy who has not been on the best behavior since I've left. Last time I heard she was sun bathing which sent me into rolls of laughter. Hopefully she hasn't destroy my room, but it's actually pretty bare in there because I boxed everything up before I left. Now I have to find my missing camera and hopefully take tons of photographs for Thanksgiving with my friends and Sissy. Let me get off here before I can't stop typing.I also have this wonderful image that has somehow set my mood of happiness. Now I'm hungry once again. (:

Revamped and Refreshed

Today I decided to wash my hair and just breath for a few hours. I have not been able to have any down time and sleep. I'm so ridiculous busy and never time for anything all because of this stupid thing I'm participating in. I just want this all over with and I'm ready to move on to more important things in my life and make something out of myself. It's just so complicated and not the best feeling in the world to wake up each day and not enjoy the life you live. People always say that we make who we are and how our lives will be in the future. It's true but if you trying to do something to better yourself and it only makes you worst I'm not sure if sacrificing my happiness will make anything better. I'm skeptical but hopefully trying to work this out. I just feel as if attacking a person because your mad and upset is out of line and not professional. At least my room is clean and trying to put forth more effort into the life I'm living. I'm trying not to regret anything, but that's all in a days work.

Really?!

So these past couple of weeks that I haven't blogged have been a pain. My partner for this thing I'm doing is just flat out annoying and sometimes I wish I could get it together. I'm not a fan of working with others who don't know when to stop talking about things and actually get them done. It has just been the most frustrating thing right now at this point and trying to deal with it has brought me to my breaking point. Unfortunately I'm actual sticking this out and at least attempting to make sense of what is really going on. I think that I'm a very smart, intelligent, and independent individual. I have every right to say what I need to say without feeling as if I can't talk or my opinion doesn't matter. I have the right to be who I am without being judged and I don't appreciate when someone does show their frustrations with me in a unprofessional way and tone. There are somethings that need to be handled in certain ways. There are so many different opinions and personalities that need to be respected. But on a lighter note Anthony has planned a surprise and shockingly it was something I asked for before he left for BC.I haven't been able to figure it out or understand what the heck he has going on. I think that I could figure it out but it's been a few weeks and I'm still clueless. It makes me very anxious and I guess that calls time for me to take a deep breath and relax for a few minutes. I've been very tense lately and not able to relax because I have so much going on and stuff that needs to be done. To make a run down I have school homework, study for an organization, and just flat out no down time. I really wished things would turn around for the best. College is okay at times but for the most part I'm not really enjoying my experience and it is everything I'm making it out to be. I just expected a lot more and trying to pin point where I fit in all of this chaotic world and knowing if I still have a place in this world and where I belong exactly. There are so many things I need to work on and improve in order to become an accomplished human being.

Life Just Keeps Getting Better

To top things off i'm now sick and I feel horrible. I don't feel like going to my 2pm class but I will anyways because I can't afford to miss class. My room mate is still troubling me so i have no idea how that is going to work out for sure. I'm eating lunch and trying to get some rest. I just have to rewrite some homework for the guidelines for my last and only class today. I'm pretty much tired and aggravated to some extent living in the not so amazing conditions. I'm not complaining just stating the facts. Well i'm out and about to lay down some more.

anything that could go wrong is going wrong!

So this week has been terrible. I had an essay for english that I needed to finish and decided a study group would help. Yeah completely wrong on my part I literally got nothing done. I stayed up the night before finishing the last touches on my paper until 1:30 am and that class was at 8 am the next morning. Then during the night somehow my printer quit on me and won't print the rest of my stuff. Now it's 6:45 am and I still have to shower, get ready, and trying to figure my printer out.Then things just go down hill from there. ugh I'm not going to even talk about it. Oh well back to some homework and then my next class.

Busy

So today I spent the morning getting ready and taking my time. I just felt like I needed to take the day slow and make the most of my time. I feel somewhat productive but I still have stuff to do such as finished my project paper and continue to study for my Latin exam on Monday. And this is not including other class homework and readings that need to be done. I have an SGA leadership interview tomorrow at three which is not all that exciting because i'm really concerned about my latin exam. I'm just taking a mental break and trying to breath for a minute before I start studying again. I just hope I can see my love this next upcoming weekend. It's been a while since i've seen him and i'd like to enjoy a nice weekend. Just when we're together brings back memories I want to forget and remember the best ones we've always shared. My heart is heavy and busy with all the things I hold onto. Wish I could let it all go. Funny how the person you talk to is part of the reason for the issues. It's not that they are causing or included but they are the subject.I'm def not making much of any sense at this point. Just so exhausted mentally.

Lost Everything

I feel so down and broken. I walked away from a life that I knew wasn't for me. I've stepped into a different world where I thought things would get better and they've only gotten worst. The money is tight once again but i'm having the worst time finding a job around here which is not good at all. Things have gotten even worse because now my car pretty much gave up on me and now I have to get it fixed. I'm not liking the fact i'm seven and a half hours away from home and no car. I'm really pissed off and upset about that because I can't do anything such as go grocery shopping. It's been really tough and hopefully with all the work I have to do this weekend I can focus my energy somewhere else. I really have no one to talk to about the situations i'm going through right now. It seems that everyone has already found their person and i'm still left here to figure things out for myself. No one truly understands that sometimes the people you vent your issues to needs to do that also. I've cut myself off a little bit from home because I really needed a break from handling everyone else's problems and now I'm at this point where i'm facing my own without any help. The truth is I just need someone to give me advice on certain areas and some guidance. Someone who understands my situation and I understand theres. I never ask anything of anyone and that's not what my purpose in life to do so. I try not to let others do for me but just do things for myself because I know that i'm capable of doing it. This is the one time in my life where i'm actually seeking someone to relate or talk to about my situation. Funny because I don't have anywhere to start nor a clue as to how. I guess that's one of life's joys being able to hold your own hand to find a way.

This Week Seriously Couldn't Get Any Better

I really don't know where to begin at this point. I've been so frustrated and just pissed off in my classes. Everyone thinks that I don't know or understand what's going on and that's really not the issue. I have problems making sense of my words and trying to get everyone else to understand them. This morning in my 8am English was the worst to date. Everyone thought I was stupid and didn't know what I was talking about. I'm just trying to calm down and look forward to something else. But I don't know today will probably still bother me until i understand how to fix it.

In Pain..Literally

Right now i'm not doing so well and i'm in a lot of pain physically. I really don't understand why and feel as if i'm about to crouch over. I could barely get through philosophy today nor could I think straight. I was not prepared for what the past 3 days were bringing to the table. I finally gave in and made a doctor appt. after just trying to make myself feel better. I have an hour before I need to head to my last class of the day then i'm off to find the hospital where I need to go to the doctor. It's like a 15 minute walk and i may just have to get some medication too. So i'll be having the fun adventure of finding the pharmacy. I'm just so out of it and just not feeling good at all. I just have so much on my mind. I have to do my homework for all of my classes this weekend, figure out where to put my clothes and my dresser because I've been having the worse time accessing my clothes in the morning. Then my printer won't work either which is a huge issue because next week I have to print out my english assignment. My laptop is acting weird too because I can't register my mail and my battery needs to be switched out. Then I have to order a few things offline for my computer too. I have so much to do this weekend and I'm just overwhelmed but then scared at the same time. I started throwing up yesterday morning and now I can barely eat. My mom called yesterday to make sure i was eating because for a while i would never eat because of personal reasons and how sick I would feel after I ate. I'm going to have so much fun trying to find the health clinic for my appt. and i'm very nervous and scared about the whole ordeal. I can't help but to have tears run down my face because I've never been in this much pain before and it's really starting to freak me out. I've been really on edge lately because of my latin class and it's really got me all confused and just mind boggled. I've been trying to breath and just calm down but i'm actually considering dropping the class and going down a level. The professor really wants you to participate and become apart of the class but i'm not exactly I can do that. The people in there are intimidating and I just don't feel comfortable or that I fit in with everyone else. It seems everyone in there are really smart and that just makes me feel even more stupid in the class. i really hope I can get through the day and not loose my mind. I'm just sitting here shaking and rattled. I've never been like this before at all. I mean this isn't the usual me at all and maybe because i'm making a huge adjustment and i'm just trying to get use to it. I"m just trying to breath and make sure that everything is okay. I'm just going through this phase where i'm trying to figure out what's really going on. Everyone else has a home to go to when they need too and I just don't have that at all. I only have myself at the moment to rely on and call my own family. Well on a lighter note Anthony graduated from BC today which i'm proud of him. I guess i'll go to take care of somethings. Hopefully all goes well.

Sick, Yuck!

I'm a bit tired and frayed from the days activities. Today i've had a full load of classes and i'm ready for some R&R. To make things worse i'm not feeling good at all and I can barely function right. I haven't been able to sleep for several days. I'm in constant pain and I have a Doc's appt tomorrow at 3:50pm and I really wish I could go today because i'm not feeling good at all. I'm just ready for my appt. so they can figure out what's up and send me to get rest. The pain is just so annoying and I try hard to ignore it but obviously it's not working.

A Lot on my Mind and Nervous as Hell

I'm just sitting here and thinking about of things on my mind. Lately i've been a bit sad but having fun meeting new life long friends along the way. I'm really anxious about Anthony coming home and hopefully things will be okay and i'll relax once I know he calls me and we can continue where we never left off. I'm hoping I can see him sometime soon. Ugh i'm so not ready for classes to already begin tomorrow. I'm just really crazy about my latin class and hope that all goes well. I guess it's really time for Anthony to come home and just make things all better again because I miss him dearly more than anything.

Frustrated

I don't really know where to begin or what to think at this point. I'm tired of competing and fighting for something i'm not sure that's going to be there in my future. As much as I want things to smooth over. I'm not exactly sure that they will anytime soon. It's been really tough and just annoying lately. I've just been hanging out every night to not think about anything. But I know soon enough I'm going to have to face it and i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. I'm scared, tired, heart broken, sad, and pissed off. I just don't want to see myself give up on something that is so real. I admit I still have my doubts and go through the what ifs and the what nots. I keep thinking about how it would be w/o him there and I really can't picture it at this point. It doesn't seem realistic at this point. I really don't know what to do or even what to say. Tears are in my eyes and my hands shake and i'm trying to get a grip but i'm not sure I can at this point. I refuse to give up because if that was the case I would have left everything back in South Carolina. Now i'm in Kentucky and I still have everything right here with me. I just need some time to think things straight and get everything together. I need to understand how things work now and I feel so lost. I wish I had a handbook to answer all of my questions and explain what I don't get. I just have so many questions unanswered and just wish I knew why. Well for one I usual don't like talking to others about my personal problems because i've never had someone to talk to in the first place. But then when someone offers I usually turn them down because i've learned from past experiences that everyone has their own set of problems and it's just better if I kept everything to myself. The truth is i'm more honest with myself than anyone else around. I keep the truth to myself because in the end it comes back to bite me in the ass. I know that I shouldn't do this because I just cause pain towards myself and spend more time hurting than healing like I should. Plus no one wants to take the time to get to know me and i'm just giving up on trying to find a friend I know that's never going to be there. My deeper issues in life coagulate around anxiety, self infliction, my love, my dog, college, and a few friends I have. There are sub issues such as marriage and my love life that is complicated but rather simple in some aspects. Our love is strong and I have faith in us. Its just making it to the next day I worry about. I worry about him and hows he is doing. He is my other half of life and I just want him happy and the best man ever.

Challenges and the Scary Things in Life

So i'm finally at UK in my dorm waiting around for 7 o clock. My parents just left so i'm finally here on my own. I've been thinking a lot about Anthony and worrying too. I'm really anxious to speak to him and see him. I'm still holding on to faith and the little possessions I have. My room mate is okay. I have the feeling she doesn't like me very well but then again it's only day two. i guess i'll just give it more time before I start getting to pissy about it. I'm really freaking out because I never told my parents about my engagement and i'm hoping and praying they didn't find out because we wanted to tell them at the right time. I'm just a ball of nerves right now at this point and just so much that's happening all at once. Classes start Wed, Anthony graduates, room mate gone for the weekend, and then i'll be hanging out with my friend Amanda to pass off time and put my mind somewhere else. I'm hoping and praying that everything will be okay. I guess I just need to relax.

Surprised and Loved by the Best Man Ever

I'm so happy right now. I received an unexpected letter from the love of my life. I was shocked to see the letter an almost left it in the mail box because my dog was pulling in the opposite direction wanting to go play in the road. lol. Go figure. He really knew how to make me feel the best and like the true princess he calls me. I can't help but to be happy and joyous. Now I have to go an get some packing done, get excited because my hubby is coming home, and get my ears pierced once again. I hope he'll like my second holes.

Missing a Special Person

I'm finally home from a long and eventful day. The party was nice and funny. It felt good to laugh again since I haven't in a very long time. I'm going through this phase where I want to tell A somethings but then again I don't. I really don't want to argue with him but I really just want to yell and be mad and frustrated because that's the way I feel. I hate him for certain issues he won't contend with but then again I love him dearly for his heart. I'm really outdone right now and just ready to throw in the towel. I'm so upset with him right now that I really don't know how much more I can take. He makes me so pissed off that I just can't handle anymore of it. I'm wanting to scream out but that would break his precious heart and I would never do that to him. He is amazing and sometimes his flaws to upset me more than usual at times. Hopefully I can look past that and see another light. I'm just venting and not trying to be an idiot about the situation. I love this man more than anything.

I Feel So Small

So today was the day I went through and was okay will the accomplishment I made. I have issues just like anyone else and I'm just proud of myself for making the accomplishment I made. It's the short step to the many step stones ahead. Finally tomorrow i'm going to get my ears pierced again. I was thinking about A earrings just for the love of my life. I miss him so very much and I really can't wait to see him again. He brings the joy to my dark days even though I hold back every tear known to man. No one truly understands what I go through everyday and just looking like an idiot as I wait for the mail. It's weird how in so little time he became the person I hated and wondered what he wanted from me. Now planning a wedding and dealing with family is my daily routine on top of being a full time student.He is the best thing in this world and I honest to gosh couldn't ask for a braver and most beautiful heart to care for me. He has been my life and love. I'm really glad no one understands the love we share because ours is just that special. Sometimes we step into a boat not thinking we're going to sink, but in the darkest hours you find love or that special bond that held you together to survive the waves of life.I love you A-

Tomorrow....Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I face my biggest fear that has held me back for years all because of a traumatic experience I faced years earlier. I'm so nervous about tomorrow that I barely even ate anything and just really freaked out. I hate doing this and i'm not exactly sure if I can handle it. I know there will be tears but i'm really hoping that I won't back out. I really want this over with and hate the anticipation of what is before me. I'm very freaked out that i'm about to start losing it now. I really have to get up way early and hope this will all go away. I'm just so overwhelmed and tired I can't contain my anxiety. Maybe things will be better in the morning and things will change. I'm not exactly sure about this but the person who signed me up for this sh*t is way off my list. I'm so mad, frustrated, anxious, and aggravated it's hard to think straight. I'm really scarred which is rare for me to be because most of the times I just face my fears head on. I know why i'm like this but I really don't know what else to do to contain myself. I really want this all to go away. I have so much to do tomorrow and it can't wait. I have to pick up my last paycheck, bank, store.... and yada yada that has to be done. I'm very freaked out at the moment and really wished someone special was here to hold my hand. I know that i'll be just fine but not having that reassurance has thrown me off my balance at this point. I'm ready to move on from this but I guess i'm stuck just trying to figure out where to start. I'm also going through this period where i'm trying to figure out what to do about the wedding. I failed to tell my love what really has been going on and I wish I would have because when he comes home it's not going to be pretty. The only reason I held back was because everyone said I should keep quite. But I promised him i'd tell him everything good or bad and now I really don't know what to do at this point. No one wants to talk to me or even converse. I'm trying my best to keep my feelings under the table but i'm not exactly sure how that is working out so well for me. I'm keeping everything hidden for a reason to protect the person I love the most. I'm just questioning myself because I never have the intention of hurting him in any way. I always want to be honest but I don't want my words to tear him apart but then again I don't want what I was holding back to hurt him either. After every tomorrow there is always another day. Another day till he comes home. Another day till life ends. Another day till we realize what life is all about and the mistakes that we make. Lets just say that i'm not perfect and you shouldn't see me as such or put me to a perfectionism standard because obviously I will never meet that standard if you haven't noticed. But most of you won't. You expect me to be the walking angel of your life but God put me on this earth for a reason. You don't get it nor do you understand. I know ya'll just love it when I get off topic and start ranting and raving. Thats justs the southern pride I have to let someone have it. I'm not a revenge seeker but a communicator. Maybe if you tried to talk to me I wouldn't be such a biotch the entire time. I do have feelings and a heart too. Don't think for a moment your the only person involved because your not. So please don't mistake your selfishness for your feelings. If I really didn't matter then why did you appeal to me in the first place. My simple reply to this is Deal with It.

Everything is Okay....I Think

I finally got what i've been waiting for all two weeks. It made me laugh, cry, and think of what's ahead in the future. I'm still anxious though and hopefully Friday will go better than what i'm expecting at the moment. I'm not exactly sure how the day will become of itself but I really want it to make something of itself than nothing. I really want to make my way past my fears and feel accomplished. I've made tremendous progress with the packing process so i'm really not too worried at all. I just really hope that things will turn around for the best and I really have seen myself become a stronger person over night. Okay yes I did sleep on my worries and fears but I remembered that I need to cast my cares on God and he will take care of them as I wish. I have so much to think about over the next few years of my life and i'm just ready to take things slow and enjoy life because obviously we aren't promised tomorrow. I just want what is best for Anthony and I and our future. Only God can take care of that and hopefully things will fall in place.

Disheartened

This is the first time where i've actually realized why i'm so hurt and sad and anxious and depressed. I feel so alone in this world with no one to help me or want to talk to me. I feel as if i'm always talking to myself where no one is there to listen or bother to care about me when I take so much time to care about others. I hate it when people call me selfish because that's just not the case. I'm hurt and upset because no one gets me anymore. I'm not perfect so just stop acting like I am. I try my best to reach out to people but obviously I gave that up a long time ago. I'm trying so hard to keep myself afloat. I know what issues I have and what needs to be done. I guess I just need an open ear and someone to talk to when things get tough. I'm not all for medication but I really need to get it together. I hate myself at times because of how depressed and hurt I can become. I'm still in the phase of trying to except myself for who I am which should've been done a long time ago. I don't want to be seen as clingy but no one understands me at all and I just get aggravated. I'm calm now and just needed a breather. Hopefully things will get better and my books will be shipped in and i'll hear from my hubby soon because he knows I miss him very much and so ready for my sweetheart to make it home. He is the best man in the world. I love you Anthony always and forever your wife.<3

The Struggle

Right now I really have to pee but I am way too lazy to get up and do so, I know what your thinking. Right now i'm just going through a lot of turmoil and ideas running through my head. I want to be productive but just can't. I want to be honest but I never am with myself or anyone for that matter. I'm starting to worry and become not myself. I have my reasons why and I just really need to let them go but somehow I feel as if I need a real person to talk to me at this point. I'm ready to move on and handle the situation but i'm not exactly sure the issues is ready to handle me. Anthony keeps telling me how strong and a fighter i am. I'm not exactly sure if I can even believe his words myself. He tells me he loves me and I still have my doubts. Have I mentioned that we are suppose to be married soon?! Yeah I know it's weird isn't it. I'm just trying to keep my composure which obviously hasn't last long at all because i'm sleeping past 10am every morning. i'm only half way packed and yeah I leave next week to move. I haven't even finished my shopping nor have I gone clothes shopping either. I'm just a mess right now at this point and i'm just losing my mind. I just need to clean up my room today and keep packing to keep busy because I swear if I lay here any longer i'm really going to start losing everything. Now off to pee because obviously I can't hold it any longer.

Just Isn't the Same or What I Wanted

I'm finally home from my so called vacation in Chicago, Ill. It was no vacation at all to say for the least. I was very busy and barely had time to rest properly. I finally quit my job which has helped tremendously and taken off a lot of stress that should have never been apparent in the first place. I'm having the worst headache and just feel horrible and lazy. I'm going through this time in my life where i'm turning over a different chapter and refusing to face the reality because i'm scarred of what my future may hold for me. Over the past year Anthony and I have ran into a lot of issues with our families. Now that we want to get married I know the tables are going to be turning quicker than I thought. I really don't have the heart to tell Anthony no and that i'm starting to back out. That would really hurt him and I don't think he could take anymore grieve. I've been so broken down and sad that I really want to start over. I hate the fact that our relationship between our families started out so bad. I mean my parents love him by a lot but since they found out what's going on they are slowly excepting it each day. I'm actually very nervous and sickening of the thought of my wedding going down the dumps. I'm still planning it but now it looks like i'm going to be needing some help. Hopefully I can find someone with experience for military weddings because I can't go any further because I don't know his rank and if it will change upon the wedding date. Also I have no idea what family we're going to invite because obviously there are some issues that need to be dealt with and I really don't want to go through the trouble of sorting things out after the wedding. We did have a few ideas for our honeymoon and it's so funny how we can plan the honeymoon just as easy but the wedding we can barely get it together. I know he asked me to continue with planning but its gotten rough and now i'm just looking for some help. I found the location which is beautiful but now I have to price how much for the wedding and reception. Then i've chosen the bridesmaid's dress colors of a light pink. We wanted an outdoor wedding on the beach but the place I picked out is not anywhere near a beach. Hopefully we can look at other options. Also I'm def. not doing the whole first dance thing because it's really not my taste. I want to have a quick get it over with wedding and be happy. Now i'm starting to be a bit bitchy because I swear I don't want anyone trying to mess with the wedding. Trying to move go to school full time work a job and supporting my soon to be husband is tough and I just want my man to be happy. I haven't seen him in forever and it's killing me. I really can't wait until he gets home to me. I hope we can have some r & r each weekend or so. I really need to have a sit down talk with him about our marriage and wedding, where he will be stationed, home shopping, and when I can get a puppy. lol. I've been looking at dogs I wanted to get for us but he has already told me no on multiple occasions so i'll see how that plays out. I'm just not comfortable with my soon to be in laws. I just found out that a friend of mine was just dropped off to college and was seen walking the streets dressed unpleasantly. I don't even want to go into details because it would only send my blood pressure up further. I also picked up the book eat, pray, love and have yet to read it. I really want to see the movie but hopefully when my baby gets back we can see it. Only two more weeks and he is finally home and I just can't wait. I'm so anxious and excited. I have yet to tell him we won't be receiving BAH unless he already knows which he should. And his friend David is deploying too so hope someone has told him. I really need to update my baby on what's going on. Plus I have a docs appt this week and omgosh I really don't want to go. Hopefully I can get myself together before he comes home I still have to get our puzzle framed and his gifts packages. Hopefully I can figure out a way to get all his gifts together and the ipod touch. I have enough for the phone and i've bought him so many gifts that I think he is probably going to be in shock.

Untitled

Lately i'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been sick and just not taking care of myself like i'm suppose to. I stopped eating and just tried to loose weight. Probably not the best idea in the world but I really didn't want to be fat and disgusting. I finally got pretty sick and ended up in the emergency room and Friday ill be in for a check up. I pray to God I wont have to draw any blood and that i'll be just fine. I'm a bit scarred about going just really need some reassurance. With my special someone not here it makes it tough to continue on and make sure i'm okay. I'm just not doing my part at all and really wished I was. I need a relaxing vacation and hopefully when he gets home we can have that. I really need to get away and just breathe for a good minute. Everyone is just bitchy and have their mood swings with me and it aggravates the hell out of me. I mean seriously it's like no one can get their act together. I swear this is not soap net channel with drama every hour on the hour. It aggravates the hell out of me and I mean literally. I'm sitting here sick, cold, nauseated, and a massive headache. I just want some peace in and out. That really isn't much to ask for but some people love to take the high road in live and not bother to pay attention to anything around them. It's so funny how everyone never cares for anyone but themselves.Then when we do take the time out to reach to others we're in awe of what the wonders of life can do for us. I just wished people wouldn't be so selfish and yes I do say that I can be the same way in some aspects of life. I'm not perfect nor am I trying to slander anyone but just speaking my own opinion and the cold hard truth. I'm just trying to get through the life God has blessed me with and a wonderful man to share it with. I love being in the south and wouldn't change it for the world. I'm a southern belle at heart and I really don't understand much but I'm really intelligent in some areas of life. I just hope and pray that life will teach others what the true meaning of taking a breathe is. I have a heart of gold for the good Lord and i'm glad he has my life in his hands. I'm going through this transition phase now of leaving for school and getting my ducks in a row so my mother speaks. I love to work and work hard. I'm just going through a rough patch in life and just really need my other half. Life isn't guaranteed and I just want to make the best of what I have at the moment. I'm proud of myself at times and yet disappointed at the others where I screw up. I just want to let go of my past and continue with the future I have waiting for me with open arms. I have no idea what it has in store. I just want the good times to come and stay and the bad times to only be short lived and temporary. Thank God for the faith I have in myself to continue on with life no matter the obstacles in front of me. I've made it this far and will continue to keep my best foot forward.

Untitled

Lately i haven't been able to keep myself together at all. I'm so overwhelmed and just want to be me and the true heart I have hidden inside myself. Today has been one of the roughest days yet even though its Anthony and I's anniversary. I just hold up the tears that are just crawling to come out of me. I tried to go out with a friend but that just made us look like idiots and just not be my true self or withhold the standards I know i'm capable of. My anxiety level is out the roof and I just want some alone time to just sit and breathe and get to know myself for who I am. I feel as if I have no idea who I am, what i've become or if i'm making the right decisions. I just wish I could imagine myself in a state of confidence and believe what i've worked so hard for. I've failed myself and no one else can see it but me as the person I know i'm not. My issue is that i'm so busy trying to help everyone else and then getting upset when I don't take care of myself. Then I feel horribly selfish when I do take time to be with myself. I'm frightened that I have made the wrong decisions in life but I have this feeling that I keep doing the right thing most of the time because I don't regret my decisions once I make them. I'm not saying that I don't look back and realize my mistakes or how dumb I was for the moment I spend being a fool at life. That's not what i'm implying at all. I just feel as if I need some professional help to manage who I am. First off I keep thinking that i'm fat and only being 93 lbs there is no way in hell. But as you can see my thinking is twisted and just all over the place. I'm horrible when it comes to talking to anyone or being social but I have the biggest heart for such a small woman. I have the heart of gold and care a lot for people. I just don't understand why certain people are who they are and how they operate. Are people really heartless and just all for themselves? Funny how the world wants to promote hope and the suffrage of others but it seems like everyone is in the world for themselves and their well being. In a way it makes sense to say that people do need to watch their backs and survive in this world in order to help people but if people don't get the help they need then they aren't surviving and eventually will pass on in due time. People look at me because they think i'm beautiful but I look at the mirror and see ugliness and the acne I need to keep under control. Others see a strong woman who fights for what she wants in life and I see someone who just falls apart and no one wants anything to do with me. I don't bother to make friends because i'm too busy making enemies which causes life to become unnecessary and just plain enough to let me get by. I wish things weren't like this but I try my best but apparently that's never good for anyone anymore.So save your breathe for someone else for the criticism because I learned long ago that it defines how insecure you are of your own self and i'm only apart of your grievances. I'm going through this process of finding who my true inner self is and what I can tolerate. I just need a find yourself course and call it a night textbooks and all. I'm just trying to get through the motions and hopefully shed some light on the darkness that has been consuming me for so long. There are so many understatements and none which can validate my situation or what i'm going through. My future hubby missed our anniversary today, a friend and neighbor passed away, people at my job are crazy, my family just aggravates me, i'm moving, getting married, in laws driving me crazy, my best friend needs to take care of her issues way before I ever go to her, i'm never going out w/ her again but then again who else do I have to hang out with, horrible spending habits, need to keep my mouth shut, I hate talking to people, never know what to say, I just need some time to be the true Jasmine. I just hope that I won't wait until tomorrow because it's not always promised. I Love You Anthony, Happy Anniversary Baby and Thank You!!

What I Want Out of Life

I don't know how things have gone exactly this week.I'm not sure if it is me or someone else. My best friend decides to just stand me up so to speak. Then everything just comes down all at once. I guess you could say I consider myself strong and sometimes self centered in certain areas of my life. I just want to make my goals attainable and not come short of the life and vision I see myself in the future. I have a great life and I just don't want anyone to take that away from me. I really want to make the best of what I have and do everything to the greatest ability. I guess there is nothing wrong with smiling at the world and making the best out of each situation. I admit i've been wrong in some situations but i'm more than apologetic to fix things and move on from the past. I'm not a perfect person just someone who lives for tomorrow.

Summed up in one, maybe?

I guess there are so many beginnings to start at I have no I idea where to begin. Anthony and I are having a rough patch but hopefully things will smooth over in time to come. School is a bust because I offended this girl not knowing it but it's like were having a silent argument. I'm not sure if i need to face the issue address it or just let it be and avoid it. I'm not exactly sure if there is a right or wrong in the situation and I guess thats what kills the most. Sometimes I don't understand myself but people can be so complicated to the point where I give up trying to understand them. I mean our minds and bodies are so complex it's really hard to understand where anything comes from or how people's imagination can turn the world upside down. Will she ever forgive me or just leave the air open and clear for whatever to happen if anything does happen. I just want to be able to look at someone smile and be friendly instead of fearing what people think of me. It scares me more than anything when people judge me because they have no idea who I trully am on the inside. I struggle every day of me life to get out of the bed and see another bright sun in my window shining directly on me. I'm not sure if the anxiety is medical but it's definantly mentally tough for me to comprehend at times. I try to relax and smile at the little things that make me happy.I love to jam at the top of my lungs in the morning to Taylor Swift, Darius Rucker, and whatever is on the radio that I can find. It makes me feel like i'm untouchable at that moment and nothing in this world could stop me from being exaclty who I am. I don't understand why i'm not accepted by others but I guess it has to start we me first and maybe people can see a different light in me. I love to settle down with a good book and just get lost from the real world at times. I've realized a lot over the past 4 years of high school that grades and academics aren't everything in life. It's like you have to have a mixture of social, sports or hobbies, and a sense and security of who you are inside out and not rely on everyone else to make the next move for you. Sometimes standing alone is better than being in a crowd and not even know your own name.I've always wanted this dream of graduating the top of my class and receiving honors at graduation but it is so much harder than it seems. No one is there to guide you through achieving that dream accept to tell you whats next and not how the present will change what is next on the to do list. It's like you have a mind of your own and there is no use for it at times. I've gotten to the point of giving up then it's like everytime I try to the flashbacks of the past and the reasons why I have that goal keeps coming back to me. There really is no explanation or reason why as to why I just loose faith and drop my life at a moment's notice. I feel like this life is a journey and if I don't figure things out i'll be on the wrong path and miss out on the things I want greatly in life. I wish there was a handbook to life but obviously there isn't or we would all be lined up at the Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million getting a copy for whatever price. That is similar to the bible as to how it is the basic instructions before leaving earth i'm just curious as to how many people line up to purchase it. Sometimes I feel very sad inside from the things i've walked away from left behind and became grateful for. I guess we have to leave things behind in order to realize the victory that is in store for us on the path ahead. I've had to let go of some things that have always been with me and honestly it was for the best. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward and learn how to be unshakable and stand my ground. I've walked this earth with my head down at times worrying about everyone else and for once I just want to be selfish and love myself for who I am and what i've contributed in this life time. Somethings I do feel like regretting but in the end it was worth the wait and the pain I suffered through life. I guess walking on pens and needles can sometimes make our skin tough enough to let go of what ever comes after us. You know I had a friend who was amazed with me and i'll never forget those words he once spoke to me it changed me in many ways possible. He said for all the things that happen to you your a very strong person to put up with everything. At that moment I had never realized how much I had been through and put up with and was still able to stand up and continue my day with such ease as I walked up and down the hals and through students to class. I was pretty beside myself and saw a brand new me. I guess i've always wanted myself to be perfect in everyone elses eyes and never bothered to ask for my own opinion.......

Summed up in one, maybe?

I guess there are so many beginnings to start at I have no I idea where to begin. Anthony and I are having a rough patch but hopefully things will smooth over in time to come. School is a bust because I offended this girl not knowing it but it's like were having a silent argument. I'm not sure if i need to face the issue address it or just let it be and avoid it. I'm not exactly sure if there is a right or wrong in the situation and I guess thats what kills the most. Sometimes I don't understand myself but people can be so complicated to the point where I give up trying to understand them. I mean our minds and bodies are so complex it's really hard to understand where anything comes from or how people's imagination can turn the world upside down. Will she ever forgive me or just leave the air open and clear for whatever to happen if anything does happen. I just want to be able to look at someone smile and be friendly instead of fearing what people think of me. It scares me more than anything when people judge me because they have no idea who I trully am on the inside. I struggle every day of me life to get out of the bed and see another bright sun in my window shining directly on me. I'm not sure if the anxiety is medical but it's definantly mentally tough for me to comprehend at times. I try to relax and smile at the little things that make me happy.I love to jam at the top of my lungs in the morning to Taylor Swift, Darius Rucker, and whatever is on the radio that I can find. It makes me feel like i'm untouchable at that moment and nothing in this world could stop me from being exaclty who I am. I don't understand why i'm not accepted by others but I guess it has to start we me first and maybe people can see a different light in me. I love to settle down with a good book and just get lost from the real world at times. I've realized a lot over the past 4 years of high school that grades and academics aren't everything in life. It's like you have to have a mixture of social, sports or hobbies, and a sense and security of who you are inside out and not rely on everyone else to make the next move for you. Sometimes standing alone is better than being in a crowd and not even know your own name.I've always wanted this dream of graduating the top of my class and receiving honors at graduation but it is so much harder than it seems. No one is there to guide you through achieving that dream accept to tell you whats next and not how the present will change what is next on the to do list. It's like you have a mind of your own and there is no use for it at times. I've gotten to the point of giving up then it's like everytime I try to the flashbacks of the past and the reasons why I have that goal keeps coming back to me. There really is no explanation or reason why as to why I just loose faith and drop my life at a moment's notice. I feel like this life is a journey and if I don't figure things out i'll be on the wrong path and miss out on the things I want greatly in life. I wish there was a handbook to life but obviously there isn't or we would all be lined up at the Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million getting a copy for whatever price. That is similar to the bible as to how it is the basic instructions before leaving earth i'm just curious as to how many people line up to purchase it. Sometimes I feel very sad inside from the things i've walked away from left behind and became grateful for. I guess we have to leave things behind in order to realize the victory that is in store for us on the path ahead. I've had to let go of some things that have always been with me and honestly it was for the best. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward and learn how to be unshakable and stand my ground. I've walked this earth with my head down at times worrying about everyone else and for once I just want to be selfish and love myself for who I am and what i've contributed in this life time. Somethings I do feel like regretting but in the end it was worth the wait and the pain I suffered through life. I guess walking on pens and needles can sometimes make our skin tough enough to let go of what ever comes after us. You know I had a friend who was amazed with me and i'll never forget those words he once spoke to me it changed me in many ways possible. He said for all the things that happen to you your a very strong person to put up with everything. At that moment I had never realized how much I had been through and put up with and was still able to stand up and continue my day with such ease as I walked up and down the hals and through students to class. I was pretty beside myself and saw a brand new me. I guess i've always wanted myself to be perfect in everyone elses eyes and never bothered to ask for my own opinion.......