Beginning

I have no idea where to begin. Things have been just piling up and the tears have yet to stop.Lately a lot of things have been on my mind about my life at home,graduation,friends, and the boyfriend. Things have really been looking rough for me lately and I feel like as if i'm not achieving my goals or being the person I am.I'm hiding from a lot of things and keep holding back. I just feel like that if I show people who I really am they will take advantage of me and hurt me. I'm so scarredof being hurt that i've put up a wall of who I really am and won't let anyone near or through it. I feel as if though I have completly failed at life and never achieved what i've always wanted. Now that i'm making my way to a new phase, I really don't think i'm going to make it and that some bridges have to be burned. I'm so ready to move on and show people who I am on the inside. I appear to be a stuck up snob who thinks so up of herself.But that's not true and I am a person who is trully sensitive and will cry at anything that even hurts a pinch.I keep it together very well even in my own household. I never let my guard down because i'm afraid of how people will judge me and take me. I'm afraid of being alone in this world and no one not give a damn about me and I have to make it own my own until my last breath.I just don't understand why I care so much about people and their well being than my own.I swear I spend more time caring and pleasing others than myself. And I always wonder why people are like why don't you ever smile. Truth be told I don't have much to smile about on the inside. I haven't really decided if it was a personal problem or just no one took the time to reach out to me and break through that tough wall I put up. I make sure everyone else is ok before myself and I feel like they don't treat me as if I deserve to be ok and that i'm just there invisible to everyone. It's gotten to the point where I don't know how to conduct myself around people anymore becaue I feel like they will completly write me off and leave me out in the cold. I've had to teach myself how to know that God is always there waiting with open arms and just running to him makes my world and I can't help but smile in his presence.I've always felt no one ever cared about me and that I had to travel the road alone. Somedays I just ride and cry and jus think about where my life is headed. I've realized how much people can use you and not care two cent about you and just completely write you off. In all my years i've been trying to care about everyone that comes my path and let them know i'll always be there for them no matter what and no one has ever been there for me. I'm trying to make it in this world and be who I am. I have no idea where to start or turn. I'm praying for guidance and I think by starting loving myself for who I am and appreciating myself for the differences I may make in someones life can be all the more joy.I want to be in control over my life and learn how to let myself go and stop being so hard on myself all the time. Sometimes I just want to get everything over with and ease the pain but I realize how much people would need me here. I have such a love for helping people and making sure that they realize the potential they have in life and never let go of it. I feel like I carry everyone elses weight and just carry it because I can't see them suffer. It reminds me of Jesus and how he carried our burdens and sins to the cross and took it. That's what I want to live my life like in the eyes of God. I don't think there has been a day where he hasn't been there with me through the tears, fears, and the moments of doubt. No one can ever take the place of him and things just look so bleak right now. Though there is someone I feel really connected to and couldn't ask for anything better despite our good and bad days. He has always been there for me and though at times I feel like we aren't going to make it and things will fall downhill. I know that somedays I want to be done but I just don't get that I can't leave him and be happy with myself. There is something about him that I just can't let go. I know the many days i've been upset with him and just wanted to let go of what we've invested in each other. Somehow someday I know things will be ok and then better than ok. I know that I love him and thing will turn out for the best. I just have to have a positive outlook and remember Proverbs 31:30 about how charm and beauty can past but a woman who fears the lord shall be praised. I look at how these girls at school think they are everything but I know that if they don't look to God for guidance and life they are nothing to me and I can't let them stop me from doing a lot of things I want to do. I just need to breath and know that everything is ok.

Too Much to Handle

Things have been going ok over the summer though there has been some glitches.I'll be having another surgery done no job because of my health status, new boyfriend, no friends and no clue as to how the hell I will survive my senoir year of high school and classes at tech. I'm so scared and sick to my stomach to even fathem the first day of school. I've left some bitter tracks behind and I just want to make it to graduation without a hitch and someone breathing down my back about whatever they can think of. I'm just starting to feel anxious and tired and just like plain dirt being untouched by its surroundings. I love my boyfriend by a long shot he means the absolute world to me and without him I have no idea how I made it through. I'm so scarred to ask for help or to really tell someone what is really going on. No one knows the real me except for my parents and boyfriend. I don't keep close friends at all. I always keep them at a distance i'm just so scarred of being hurt and torn down to the point where I can no longer function. I've been greatly considering changing schools maybe to a small private school to try and start over but keep a low profile. I hate public school and never really had a passion for it at all. It's like this either your dumb or smart, in or out, ugly or pretty, nice or mean, and just never in between. I want to be able to walk into school without being labeled on or the other as seen as this snobbish kid of which I am not. If people tried to get to know me they would be surprised as to how I conduct myself and set apart from others. I'm in no mood for drama or the usual run your mouth scenario. It's good to vent sometimes but i've really learned a lot about society and how they will use every and anything against you to bring you down. I have no idea how I even got through. Maybe just need to relax.

Down

I haven't written in so long which is shocking.lol. Lately is has been seriously stressful for me and I am just about to loose it. I'm slacking like crazy on my homework, can barely pay attention during class, nor retain any information. My stress level has taken a turn for the worse. I've even gone to the measures of turning off my phone for about 3 days now. I refuse to talk to anyone via texting or calling and will practically completely ignore you. My friends are starting to turn their backs on me and i'm not taking to kindly to it and don't know if I should. Something may go down this week I'm not exactly sure but I have a feeling it will. I have a butt load of homework which I pretty much am half way through. I'm trying to type as fast as I can so I can write my paper and study for a quiz. I see no point in even bothering to complain anymore since no one won't take the time to listen.I'm so fed up with half the people at my school and in my classes. Its ridiculous how we are suppose to grow as we get older and not become younger as our bodies age faster. I'm tired of people talking shit behind my back like i don't know anything and lord knows i do. I'm sick of being the target of every little nit picking thing I say. Obviously people are being seriously ridiculous and need to grow up for the their own sake and my well being.lol. I don't even want to think about my grades at this point i'm tired of looking at them and having teachers tell me how much I suck. I think ill do better off by not looking at them and knowing that i'm a better person without a letter grade defining my intellegence. I honestly think these grades are just a letter or number that groups you together with everyone else and they base you on just that alone and not your true talents. Your such as inort person and I honestly don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't know what to think or say despite how much I would love to just let it all out. But I may be doing more harm than good. Is there anyone to trust anymore but myself and God? God hasn't let me down yet but have you? I don't find comfort anymore in anyone but God and a close friends. Do you look at yourself in the mirror when it fogs up and tells you lies or do you look at clear water while it stares back at you claiming the truth?

Untitled

I've just realized that I have been consuming to much caffeine. I usually don't consume much caffeine at all so it's very rare of me to do so. I just had a series of reactions to it now I just have to ween myself off of it. Today was an ok day it wasn't the worst nor the best. First block was ok I had no problems in there second block was interesting as usual. I think Mrs.Rose was amused that I finally was asking her questions like for the first time all year i've had her. Today was seriously interesting which is a great thing for me because now I understand the information. Lunch I was really just in a bad mood and I guess everyone caught on to that at the table.I did talk to Brandon this morning and Kathleen was like yeah he totally likes you. I have no idea she def. could be right. Third block was the worst the one math problem I didn't get was the one she called on me for. Then it finally clicked with me I know now I may not pass her class which really sucks.I bombed the lab safety quiz so I have to retake it. Now we have a lab report due Friday so I hopefully will get started today after all my other homework. Then we have another elements quiz I have to study for. I have like two quizzes and a test tomorrow. On the way to english I ran into Richard and I was saying hey to both of my teachers and was smiling then he walked by coincidentally when I was smiling and I think he may have smiled back a little but I knew and he knew we had seen each other. But i'm not getting my hopes up because I know how this could all end up to. It could be a great thing or horrible thing either way i'm going to have to live with it whether I like it or not. I really have to get started on my homework. It's not much but it's time consuming. I just wish I could do better in chemistry I loved the class now thats all starting to fade away. But that's ok just being me will get me where i'm going and more if i'm forbidden to love. i miss you so much and can't stand seeing you so alone and knowing what i know i loved you and just maybe i still do.