Beginning

I have no idea where to begin. Things have been just piling up and the tears have yet to stop.Lately a lot of things have been on my mind about my life at home,graduation,friends, and the boyfriend. Things have really been looking rough for me lately and I feel like as if i'm not achieving my goals or being the person I am.I'm hiding from a lot of things and keep holding back. I just feel like that if I show people who I really am they will take advantage of me and hurt me. I'm so scarredof being hurt that i've put up a wall of who I really am and won't let anyone near or through it. I feel as if though I have completly failed at life and never achieved what i've always wanted. Now that i'm making my way to a new phase, I really don't think i'm going to make it and that some bridges have to be burned. I'm so ready to move on and show people who I am on the inside. I appear to be a stuck up snob who thinks so up of herself.But that's not true and I am a person who is trully sensitive and will cry at anything that even hurts a pinch.I keep it together very well even in my own household. I never let my guard down because i'm afraid of how people will judge me and take me. I'm afraid of being alone in this world and no one not give a damn about me and I have to make it own my own until my last breath.I just don't understand why I care so much about people and their well being than my own.I swear I spend more time caring and pleasing others than myself. And I always wonder why people are like why don't you ever smile. Truth be told I don't have much to smile about on the inside. I haven't really decided if it was a personal problem or just no one took the time to reach out to me and break through that tough wall I put up. I make sure everyone else is ok before myself and I feel like they don't treat me as if I deserve to be ok and that i'm just there invisible to everyone. It's gotten to the point where I don't know how to conduct myself around people anymore becaue I feel like they will completly write me off and leave me out in the cold. I've had to teach myself how to know that God is always there waiting with open arms and just running to him makes my world and I can't help but smile in his presence.I've always felt no one ever cared about me and that I had to travel the road alone. Somedays I just ride and cry and jus think about where my life is headed. I've realized how much people can use you and not care two cent about you and just completely write you off. In all my years i've been trying to care about everyone that comes my path and let them know i'll always be there for them no matter what and no one has ever been there for me. I'm trying to make it in this world and be who I am. I have no idea where to start or turn. I'm praying for guidance and I think by starting loving myself for who I am and appreciating myself for the differences I may make in someones life can be all the more joy.I want to be in control over my life and learn how to let myself go and stop being so hard on myself all the time. Sometimes I just want to get everything over with and ease the pain but I realize how much people would need me here. I have such a love for helping people and making sure that they realize the potential they have in life and never let go of it. I feel like I carry everyone elses weight and just carry it because I can't see them suffer. It reminds me of Jesus and how he carried our burdens and sins to the cross and took it. That's what I want to live my life like in the eyes of God. I don't think there has been a day where he hasn't been there with me through the tears, fears, and the moments of doubt. No one can ever take the place of him and things just look so bleak right now. Though there is someone I feel really connected to and couldn't ask for anything better despite our good and bad days. He has always been there for me and though at times I feel like we aren't going to make it and things will fall downhill. I know that somedays I want to be done but I just don't get that I can't leave him and be happy with myself. There is something about him that I just can't let go. I know the many days i've been upset with him and just wanted to let go of what we've invested in each other. Somehow someday I know things will be ok and then better than ok. I know that I love him and thing will turn out for the best. I just have to have a positive outlook and remember Proverbs 31:30 about how charm and beauty can past but a woman who fears the lord shall be praised. I look at how these girls at school think they are everything but I know that if they don't look to God for guidance and life they are nothing to me and I can't let them stop me from doing a lot of things I want to do. I just need to breath and know that everything is ok.