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Lately i haven't been able to keep myself together at all. I'm so overwhelmed and just want to be me and the true heart I have hidden inside myself. Today has been one of the roughest days yet even though its Anthony and I's anniversary. I just hold up the tears that are just crawling to come out of me. I tried to go out with a friend but that just made us look like idiots and just not be my true self or withhold the standards I know i'm capable of. My anxiety level is out the roof and I just want some alone time to just sit and breathe and get to know myself for who I am. I feel as if I have no idea who I am, what i've become or if i'm making the right decisions. I just wish I could imagine myself in a state of confidence and believe what i've worked so hard for. I've failed myself and no one else can see it but me as the person I know i'm not. My issue is that i'm so busy trying to help everyone else and then getting upset when I don't take care of myself. Then I feel horribly selfish when I do take time to be with myself. I'm frightened that I have made the wrong decisions in life but I have this feeling that I keep doing the right thing most of the time because I don't regret my decisions once I make them. I'm not saying that I don't look back and realize my mistakes or how dumb I was for the moment I spend being a fool at life. That's not what i'm implying at all. I just feel as if I need some professional help to manage who I am. First off I keep thinking that i'm fat and only being 93 lbs there is no way in hell. But as you can see my thinking is twisted and just all over the place. I'm horrible when it comes to talking to anyone or being social but I have the biggest heart for such a small woman. I have the heart of gold and care a lot for people. I just don't understand why certain people are who they are and how they operate. Are people really heartless and just all for themselves? Funny how the world wants to promote hope and the suffrage of others but it seems like everyone is in the world for themselves and their well being. In a way it makes sense to say that people do need to watch their backs and survive in this world in order to help people but if people don't get the help they need then they aren't surviving and eventually will pass on in due time. People look at me because they think i'm beautiful but I look at the mirror and see ugliness and the acne I need to keep under control. Others see a strong woman who fights for what she wants in life and I see someone who just falls apart and no one wants anything to do with me. I don't bother to make friends because i'm too busy making enemies which causes life to become unnecessary and just plain enough to let me get by. I wish things weren't like this but I try my best but apparently that's never good for anyone anymore.So save your breathe for someone else for the criticism because I learned long ago that it defines how insecure you are of your own self and i'm only apart of your grievances. I'm going through this process of finding who my true inner self is and what I can tolerate. I just need a find yourself course and call it a night textbooks and all. I'm just trying to get through the motions and hopefully shed some light on the darkness that has been consuming me for so long. There are so many understatements and none which can validate my situation or what i'm going through. My future hubby missed our anniversary today, a friend and neighbor passed away, people at my job are crazy, my family just aggravates me, i'm moving, getting married, in laws driving me crazy, my best friend needs to take care of her issues way before I ever go to her, i'm never going out w/ her again but then again who else do I have to hang out with, horrible spending habits, need to keep my mouth shut, I hate talking to people, never know what to say, I just need some time to be the true Jasmine. I just hope that I won't wait until tomorrow because it's not always promised. I Love You Anthony, Happy Anniversary Baby and Thank You!!