Too Much

This is seriously beggining to be too much for me these past couple of weeks. People at my job won't let it go and keep bringing it up though i'm determined not to let it bother me but it does sometimes. Everywhere I turn you're always there and I just keep running from you but somehow you're still there. When I want so bad to let go and make the best of life things. My understanding is that people will do anything to see me fall and I won't let that happen. It feels as if you're with me all the time just like you never left me and things weren't so akward. I'm trying so hard to really step up and do what I have to do but it's funny how you haven't left my life just yet. Sometimes I wished things were played out so much more differently and you jsut weren't there. But you know God has a purpose and reason for everything and that is just what I have to figure out. Normally I don't have dreams but lately you've always managed to pop in there somewhere just casually and it just confuses me even more than what I was actually thinking. Can life really throw you a football for the touchdown and you go through hardships to get there or are you just untouched? It kills to see myself the way I am and I am definantly open for change and to make myself better. I guess you can say deep down I know he is still there and never left me no matter what. Ok just maybe.lol.

Alright

Yesterday was alright and work was not that bad at all it was quite enjoying because it kept my mind off of somethings that I was concerned about. Then the unexpected happened one of my coworkers asked about my relationship with my x and I was just like just great now it's like everyone has to bring it up even though I pretty laid down how I felt about him to my coworker. I'm trying to move on and forget him but everytime I do someone always makes a point of mentioning him. This happens everytime when I want to just move on and live my life he always ends up there somewhere throughout the day. I"m alright but just not understanding I just wished I had some understanding now im just at ease but no words. I am reading a really great book Dariy Queen by Catherine Murdock. I definantly sugguest it to anyone who likes a good reality check.LOL. Well somewhat.

Bad Day

ok seriously im about to like loose it. i can't stand not having richard in my life it is seriously killing me. i finally talked to him but that just made things worse for me and i guess he was somewhat happy about it. im actually debating whether or not i should call him and maybe we could talk for a little bit longer or work things out. well i just dont know thats why im asking you cause most of the time your usually rite.lol. living only 3 mins away from each other im bound to run into him or his aunt and uncle who i swear still loves me. im suppose to go out w/ another guy just to clear my head and relax but im afraid that if he sees me w/ another guy i know i've really screwed up. i'm trying to wait it out and if things are suppose to be worked out they will but ya i don't think i can hold out any longer.

Lost

Over the past few days things have been really confusing for me and I really don't know where to began or where to start. People are judging me and i'm not liking it at all. No one will listen to me and they are just full of shit and it really starts to wear on me. What does it take for people to understand who i really am? I'm not getting this at all. I really want to live my life the way it's suppose to be and not satisfy others. I still miss him and we probably will see each other at school but I want more than that. It still hurts me badly and I want the best for us and maybe things will work out just like they are meant to be. I just hope life won't give us the short hand in the long run because of our actions. I'm not giving up on you no matter what. It's like my head tells me just to back off and everything will just cease but my heart is pushing me foward and won't let it go. I'm confused and misunderstood but maybe just maybe it will work out. How I can pull this off will be just the next step.

Happy

We finally had a conversation today at workouts and we talked like nothing ever happened. Although I know it was there in the back of your head and mine too. Maybe things will finally workout between us but I really don't want to keep my hopes up and me smacked in the face. That wouldn't be so pleasent. After we talked it just made my day and workouts feel so much better and we played dodgeball which was a blast and I definantly enjoyed it. If things are really meant to be just maybe we will be back together. Trust me the smile I have hasn't faded away just yet. I called Sam and told her and i'm definantly looking foward to life but in the mean time I just want to get through life one step at a time. I did see your new tattoo so maybe things have changed between us but i've changed and maybe you have to.

Silence is Deadly

Lately I haven't seen you and even though that's what I want but when you're not there I really want to see you regardless. I hope that makes sense.LOL.Workouts today were ok i was left alone because non of my friends showed up so I winged it alone. I made the best of it and i'm not caring who notices me or what I do. I know that I feel better as a person inside out and nothing more further on that part. There is so much silence between us it's folding out to be seriously deadly. There are so many unanswered questions and I really can't figure them all out. Even though i'm trying my best to do so. Memories still flood my mind everyday that I see you and the reminders that surround me daily. I really thought I moved on but facing reality is that i haven't not in the least. It's funny how you long for something to the point where you strive to make it reality when in fact it isn't the true reality.There is never a moment I don't think of you and I want the best for you and more years to come but that makes it even more painful. I hope these unanswered prayers are the best option right now for me because I have so many. You meant the absolute world to me now I feel like I have to start back at square one. I've realized that my love for you never stopped even though I wanted it to for a long time. My heart and my feelings were totally oppposite I never knew which direction to turn. I didn't have someone there to guide me and I honestly lost. I've tried walking away but the tears, love, fight, laughs, and your eyes kept me. Bluntly the only thing holding me. I'm still pretty pissed off at you no doubt and I try not to let it show on my face. It shows the yellow sunshine on the lake reflecting what is really true. I always try to stay true myself but lately i've been struggling. I'm making the best of life and I hope you realize how much your going to miss me when i'm gone.

Not Sure

Some comments that were made from other girls some what pissed me off. i'm not liking or taking it to well. i mean i don't understand why you bother stepping into the gym. it just pisses me off more everytime i see you. it brings back more memories than i can afford let alone handle. i understand that there is some tension between us but thats 110% your fault. you never even concitered my feelings. it's like i don't even matter to you its just all about Rich boy Michigan. But down south every girl is treated with respect and love not just fun and games. when your down here you better learn quick about a true southern gentleman. you really hurt me and i live with blaming myself but now i've begun to realize i was never wrong. the only person that seriously screwed up was you and nothing more or further. i try not to acknowledge you and just walk away like you never existed but you say you wanted to be friends. my thoughts are how come you never told me goodbye? why do you want to be friends? what is the real reason we broke up? why did you lie to me? if i was so important to you why did you let me go? why do you smile everytime you see me? why did you make me keep the ring? why you shared some things with me you don't even tell your own family? why you wanted me to be apart of your family? well i guess if were meant to be everything will fall into place. i wish i could figure you out but as each day goes by it gets more confusing. well maybe things will work out itself maybe i'll smile back if i'm nice enough. i just wish things would happen sooner and i know they want.

Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.- Mary Hemingway

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.