Untitled

I've been pretty stressed out and mellow at times and really just trying to get my head together. I'm not certain that I do have it all together just yet.I mean yes I do need to get things together and maybe try a bit more harder. I wish I could tell someone the truth but i'm holding so much back and will and can't lie about that. I still can't let things go and i'm about to get the biggest reality hitter of my life and letting things go. It just hurts when you feel like everyone you onnce knew and loved betrayed you in all ways possible and wasn't damned sorry about any of it. I don't understand what I did wrong will someone please tell me or just give me a hint. But I guess betrayel can carry a long way without love nor remorse.

Anxiety

Today has been great and very anxious day. I tried my best and yes I do feel betrayed and left alone but I thought I made the best of my situation and not just ruin my day. I did a great job in school today not my best but I definantly got through it. I've had my phone off for about three days now and it feels good to be free for a bit. I do have pracctice and hopefully can make it through that. I feel somewhat depressed and sad but I know I can definantly pull through and hopefully just get though with a smile. I'm pretty happy right now and thought about how much I need to accomplish and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm such a great person inside out and wouldn't want anything more or less. I'm not the most beautiful or intelligent but I do the best I can. I know I can do better and i'm glad I can do what I do because some people aren't as blessed. I'm thankful for what I have even if I loose it there is always a reason behind why that just happens. I can't do anything but smile and make the world work for me. I know who I am and wouldn't change it for the world.

Stressed

I feel like such a complete failure it's not even funny anymore nor should it ever be taken lightly. Its effecting everything I do and I honest to God can't take anymore of it. I'm not happy i'm only miserable as the day goes by. I hate school and don't ever want to go back. It's literally killing me and I can't stand not one bit of it. I'm trying but its just not hard enough or something else is missing and i'm just not seeing it. I hope i can really pull trough and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I can but i just haven't figured out yet. I hope God get through me this. All I have to trust and believe and see the beauty through this pain.

Homecoming

I definantly had to work tonight and not very happy because I missed homecoming and you wouldn't believe the pep rally. You better believe I was pissed. I mean damn just like that you turned your back on me and I just won't allow that to happen. You really think that you can break me but you've only made me a stronger person everytime you decide to screw up and i'm not blaming anyone but you. I'm trying my best to do what I can do and to make the best of each day. I try not to get ahead of myself but sometimes I do. It seems i'm always losing or doubting myself when I know good and well I shouldn't . I really don't know what to think anymore or what to say. I thought I found a little bit of what I was looking for but oops I guessed wrong. I feel like absolute and utter complete sugar. It's ridiculous at how I need to let things go and honestly I haven't and it's seriously killing me working its way from the inside out. It's like a silent killer and my emotions are the victim and my heart is being convicted. I have no self esteem at all and I swear I just fake my way through the day and just pray I make it through. I really need to learn how to let things go but i've never been taught and always had to figure out my own way. It's gotten so much harder for me and I can barely stand on my own two feet. I wished and hoped for so much but that never came and maybe just maybe I won't slip or screw up. Everytime I feel like i'm making progress one day I just take 24 steps back the next. I can never stay on track and it hurts more that anything just to see my self failing and falling at what should be a piece of cake. I guess you can't have the cake and enjoy it too. I can't take it anymore and it bugs the hell out of me and I don't want it to continue nor do I want to end something as beautiful as life. Ok so maybe I do. I don't know what to think anymore let alone do. I'm trying to get help and I guess thats the only thing I can do right now. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now but I may just have to havea good one. What am I going to do? I really don't what i'm going to do anymore. I guess I just have to keep going and make the best of my feelings and emotions and just keep on holding my head up high and walk where the right path is laid out for me. I want so much for myself and I know I deserve the world and so much more but figuring out how to get there is another thing. So I guess life can be a pain in the ass or maybe just a few bumps in the road.

Make Sense of It All

Will there ever be a day when I don't think of you dream of you or see you. I've been trying to let things go and I have but it seems at other times I can't. For some reason your still inside of my heart and it just won't let you go. I haven't necessarily figured it out but yes it does bother me. I go day to day trying to figure if this is really what I want or am I just psyching myself. Have I thrown all i've ever dreamed out for just a few minutes or a lifetime. School is stressful and a huge pain in the butt but i'm making it one step at a time. Every time I want to call you and meet you half way I always make it harder than it seems but arms lenght isn't just a mile away. I've given up so much but the realization isn't there. The look in your eyes is like you care so much and we haven't yet departed. I put so much on the line all for what I don't understand but yet believe so strongly in.

Obviously

Well pretty much we got back together and broke up again. I really understand it a little bit but not entirely. I see how you react when i'm around and it seems your just stone cold facial expression and yet sad at the same time if that makes any sense. There are three other guys who have made it very apparent they like me but I don't think I feel the same way about them as much as I do about you. Honestly as it doesn't seem like it but I miss you a lot. On the outside I try to cover it up and play it off but truth is I love you so much to point where it hurts and I mean the literally.I can see right through you and it kills me to see others believe that crappy act you put on. This past week on Thursday I lost a very close friend of mine and it's kills me from the inside out. Reality has not yet set in for anything at this point. I just think everything was a dream like it has always been. It never hit me that you would leave me so soon and I never got to spend those moments with you and tell you goodbye. It really has hit me how much i've missed but the thing is I regret never seeing you and now i'm paying for it.

Later

I've finally started school and seeing someone else but there you decide to show up again and we hug and hold hands for a few seconds then you leave. i really dont know what to think now maybe i'll explain later.