The Struggle

Right now I really have to pee but I am way too lazy to get up and do so, I know what your thinking. Right now i'm just going through a lot of turmoil and ideas running through my head. I want to be productive but just can't. I want to be honest but I never am with myself or anyone for that matter. I'm starting to worry and become not myself. I have my reasons why and I just really need to let them go but somehow I feel as if I need a real person to talk to me at this point. I'm ready to move on and handle the situation but i'm not exactly sure the issues is ready to handle me. Anthony keeps telling me how strong and a fighter i am. I'm not exactly sure if I can even believe his words myself. He tells me he loves me and I still have my doubts. Have I mentioned that we are suppose to be married soon?! Yeah I know it's weird isn't it. I'm just trying to keep my composure which obviously hasn't last long at all because i'm sleeping past 10am every morning. i'm only half way packed and yeah I leave next week to move. I haven't even finished my shopping nor have I gone clothes shopping either. I'm just a mess right now at this point and i'm just losing my mind. I just need to clean up my room today and keep packing to keep busy because I swear if I lay here any longer i'm really going to start losing everything. Now off to pee because obviously I can't hold it any longer.

Just Isn't the Same or What I Wanted

I'm finally home from my so called vacation in Chicago, Ill. It was no vacation at all to say for the least. I was very busy and barely had time to rest properly. I finally quit my job which has helped tremendously and taken off a lot of stress that should have never been apparent in the first place. I'm having the worst headache and just feel horrible and lazy. I'm going through this time in my life where i'm turning over a different chapter and refusing to face the reality because i'm scarred of what my future may hold for me. Over the past year Anthony and I have ran into a lot of issues with our families. Now that we want to get married I know the tables are going to be turning quicker than I thought. I really don't have the heart to tell Anthony no and that i'm starting to back out. That would really hurt him and I don't think he could take anymore grieve. I've been so broken down and sad that I really want to start over. I hate the fact that our relationship between our families started out so bad. I mean my parents love him by a lot but since they found out what's going on they are slowly excepting it each day. I'm actually very nervous and sickening of the thought of my wedding going down the dumps. I'm still planning it but now it looks like i'm going to be needing some help. Hopefully I can find someone with experience for military weddings because I can't go any further because I don't know his rank and if it will change upon the wedding date. Also I have no idea what family we're going to invite because obviously there are some issues that need to be dealt with and I really don't want to go through the trouble of sorting things out after the wedding. We did have a few ideas for our honeymoon and it's so funny how we can plan the honeymoon just as easy but the wedding we can barely get it together. I know he asked me to continue with planning but its gotten rough and now i'm just looking for some help. I found the location which is beautiful but now I have to price how much for the wedding and reception. Then i've chosen the bridesmaid's dress colors of a light pink. We wanted an outdoor wedding on the beach but the place I picked out is not anywhere near a beach. Hopefully we can look at other options. Also I'm def. not doing the whole first dance thing because it's really not my taste. I want to have a quick get it over with wedding and be happy. Now i'm starting to be a bit bitchy because I swear I don't want anyone trying to mess with the wedding. Trying to move go to school full time work a job and supporting my soon to be husband is tough and I just want my man to be happy. I haven't seen him in forever and it's killing me. I really can't wait until he gets home to me. I hope we can have some r & r each weekend or so. I really need to have a sit down talk with him about our marriage and wedding, where he will be stationed, home shopping, and when I can get a puppy. lol. I've been looking at dogs I wanted to get for us but he has already told me no on multiple occasions so i'll see how that plays out. I'm just not comfortable with my soon to be in laws. I just found out that a friend of mine was just dropped off to college and was seen walking the streets dressed unpleasantly. I don't even want to go into details because it would only send my blood pressure up further. I also picked up the book eat, pray, love and have yet to read it. I really want to see the movie but hopefully when my baby gets back we can see it. Only two more weeks and he is finally home and I just can't wait. I'm so anxious and excited. I have yet to tell him we won't be receiving BAH unless he already knows which he should. And his friend David is deploying too so hope someone has told him. I really need to update my baby on what's going on. Plus I have a docs appt this week and omgosh I really don't want to go. Hopefully I can get myself together before he comes home I still have to get our puzzle framed and his gifts packages. Hopefully I can figure out a way to get all his gifts together and the ipod touch. I have enough for the phone and i've bought him so many gifts that I think he is probably going to be in shock.

Untitled

Lately i'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been sick and just not taking care of myself like i'm suppose to. I stopped eating and just tried to loose weight. Probably not the best idea in the world but I really didn't want to be fat and disgusting. I finally got pretty sick and ended up in the emergency room and Friday ill be in for a check up. I pray to God I wont have to draw any blood and that i'll be just fine. I'm a bit scarred about going just really need some reassurance. With my special someone not here it makes it tough to continue on and make sure i'm okay. I'm just not doing my part at all and really wished I was. I need a relaxing vacation and hopefully when he gets home we can have that. I really need to get away and just breathe for a good minute. Everyone is just bitchy and have their mood swings with me and it aggravates the hell out of me. I mean seriously it's like no one can get their act together. I swear this is not soap net channel with drama every hour on the hour. It aggravates the hell out of me and I mean literally. I'm sitting here sick, cold, nauseated, and a massive headache. I just want some peace in and out. That really isn't much to ask for but some people love to take the high road in live and not bother to pay attention to anything around them. It's so funny how everyone never cares for anyone but themselves.Then when we do take the time out to reach to others we're in awe of what the wonders of life can do for us. I just wished people wouldn't be so selfish and yes I do say that I can be the same way in some aspects of life. I'm not perfect nor am I trying to slander anyone but just speaking my own opinion and the cold hard truth. I'm just trying to get through the life God has blessed me with and a wonderful man to share it with. I love being in the south and wouldn't change it for the world. I'm a southern belle at heart and I really don't understand much but I'm really intelligent in some areas of life. I just hope and pray that life will teach others what the true meaning of taking a breathe is. I have a heart of gold for the good Lord and i'm glad he has my life in his hands. I'm going through this transition phase now of leaving for school and getting my ducks in a row so my mother speaks. I love to work and work hard. I'm just going through a rough patch in life and just really need my other half. Life isn't guaranteed and I just want to make the best of what I have at the moment. I'm proud of myself at times and yet disappointed at the others where I screw up. I just want to let go of my past and continue with the future I have waiting for me with open arms. I have no idea what it has in store. I just want the good times to come and stay and the bad times to only be short lived and temporary. Thank God for the faith I have in myself to continue on with life no matter the obstacles in front of me. I've made it this far and will continue to keep my best foot forward.

Untitled

Lately i haven't been able to keep myself together at all. I'm so overwhelmed and just want to be me and the true heart I have hidden inside myself. Today has been one of the roughest days yet even though its Anthony and I's anniversary. I just hold up the tears that are just crawling to come out of me. I tried to go out with a friend but that just made us look like idiots and just not be my true self or withhold the standards I know i'm capable of. My anxiety level is out the roof and I just want some alone time to just sit and breathe and get to know myself for who I am. I feel as if I have no idea who I am, what i've become or if i'm making the right decisions. I just wish I could imagine myself in a state of confidence and believe what i've worked so hard for. I've failed myself and no one else can see it but me as the person I know i'm not. My issue is that i'm so busy trying to help everyone else and then getting upset when I don't take care of myself. Then I feel horribly selfish when I do take time to be with myself. I'm frightened that I have made the wrong decisions in life but I have this feeling that I keep doing the right thing most of the time because I don't regret my decisions once I make them. I'm not saying that I don't look back and realize my mistakes or how dumb I was for the moment I spend being a fool at life. That's not what i'm implying at all. I just feel as if I need some professional help to manage who I am. First off I keep thinking that i'm fat and only being 93 lbs there is no way in hell. But as you can see my thinking is twisted and just all over the place. I'm horrible when it comes to talking to anyone or being social but I have the biggest heart for such a small woman. I have the heart of gold and care a lot for people. I just don't understand why certain people are who they are and how they operate. Are people really heartless and just all for themselves? Funny how the world wants to promote hope and the suffrage of others but it seems like everyone is in the world for themselves and their well being. In a way it makes sense to say that people do need to watch their backs and survive in this world in order to help people but if people don't get the help they need then they aren't surviving and eventually will pass on in due time. People look at me because they think i'm beautiful but I look at the mirror and see ugliness and the acne I need to keep under control. Others see a strong woman who fights for what she wants in life and I see someone who just falls apart and no one wants anything to do with me. I don't bother to make friends because i'm too busy making enemies which causes life to become unnecessary and just plain enough to let me get by. I wish things weren't like this but I try my best but apparently that's never good for anyone anymore.So save your breathe for someone else for the criticism because I learned long ago that it defines how insecure you are of your own self and i'm only apart of your grievances. I'm going through this process of finding who my true inner self is and what I can tolerate. I just need a find yourself course and call it a night textbooks and all. I'm just trying to get through the motions and hopefully shed some light on the darkness that has been consuming me for so long. There are so many understatements and none which can validate my situation or what i'm going through. My future hubby missed our anniversary today, a friend and neighbor passed away, people at my job are crazy, my family just aggravates me, i'm moving, getting married, in laws driving me crazy, my best friend needs to take care of her issues way before I ever go to her, i'm never going out w/ her again but then again who else do I have to hang out with, horrible spending habits, need to keep my mouth shut, I hate talking to people, never know what to say, I just need some time to be the true Jasmine. I just hope that I won't wait until tomorrow because it's not always promised. I Love You Anthony, Happy Anniversary Baby and Thank You!!

What I Want Out of Life

I don't know how things have gone exactly this week.I'm not sure if it is me or someone else. My best friend decides to just stand me up so to speak. Then everything just comes down all at once. I guess you could say I consider myself strong and sometimes self centered in certain areas of my life. I just want to make my goals attainable and not come short of the life and vision I see myself in the future. I have a great life and I just don't want anyone to take that away from me. I really want to make the best of what I have and do everything to the greatest ability. I guess there is nothing wrong with smiling at the world and making the best out of each situation. I admit i've been wrong in some situations but i'm more than apologetic to fix things and move on from the past. I'm not a perfect person just someone who lives for tomorrow.

Summed up in one, maybe?

I guess there are so many beginnings to start at I have no I idea where to begin. Anthony and I are having a rough patch but hopefully things will smooth over in time to come. School is a bust because I offended this girl not knowing it but it's like were having a silent argument. I'm not sure if i need to face the issue address it or just let it be and avoid it. I'm not exactly sure if there is a right or wrong in the situation and I guess thats what kills the most. Sometimes I don't understand myself but people can be so complicated to the point where I give up trying to understand them. I mean our minds and bodies are so complex it's really hard to understand where anything comes from or how people's imagination can turn the world upside down. Will she ever forgive me or just leave the air open and clear for whatever to happen if anything does happen. I just want to be able to look at someone smile and be friendly instead of fearing what people think of me. It scares me more than anything when people judge me because they have no idea who I trully am on the inside. I struggle every day of me life to get out of the bed and see another bright sun in my window shining directly on me. I'm not sure if the anxiety is medical but it's definantly mentally tough for me to comprehend at times. I try to relax and smile at the little things that make me happy.I love to jam at the top of my lungs in the morning to Taylor Swift, Darius Rucker, and whatever is on the radio that I can find. It makes me feel like i'm untouchable at that moment and nothing in this world could stop me from being exaclty who I am. I don't understand why i'm not accepted by others but I guess it has to start we me first and maybe people can see a different light in me. I love to settle down with a good book and just get lost from the real world at times. I've realized a lot over the past 4 years of high school that grades and academics aren't everything in life. It's like you have to have a mixture of social, sports or hobbies, and a sense and security of who you are inside out and not rely on everyone else to make the next move for you. Sometimes standing alone is better than being in a crowd and not even know your own name.I've always wanted this dream of graduating the top of my class and receiving honors at graduation but it is so much harder than it seems. No one is there to guide you through achieving that dream accept to tell you whats next and not how the present will change what is next on the to do list. It's like you have a mind of your own and there is no use for it at times. I've gotten to the point of giving up then it's like everytime I try to the flashbacks of the past and the reasons why I have that goal keeps coming back to me. There really is no explanation or reason why as to why I just loose faith and drop my life at a moment's notice. I feel like this life is a journey and if I don't figure things out i'll be on the wrong path and miss out on the things I want greatly in life. I wish there was a handbook to life but obviously there isn't or we would all be lined up at the Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million getting a copy for whatever price. That is similar to the bible as to how it is the basic instructions before leaving earth i'm just curious as to how many people line up to purchase it. Sometimes I feel very sad inside from the things i've walked away from left behind and became grateful for. I guess we have to leave things behind in order to realize the victory that is in store for us on the path ahead. I've had to let go of some things that have always been with me and honestly it was for the best. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward and learn how to be unshakable and stand my ground. I've walked this earth with my head down at times worrying about everyone else and for once I just want to be selfish and love myself for who I am and what i've contributed in this life time. Somethings I do feel like regretting but in the end it was worth the wait and the pain I suffered through life. I guess walking on pens and needles can sometimes make our skin tough enough to let go of what ever comes after us. You know I had a friend who was amazed with me and i'll never forget those words he once spoke to me it changed me in many ways possible. He said for all the things that happen to you your a very strong person to put up with everything. At that moment I had never realized how much I had been through and put up with and was still able to stand up and continue my day with such ease as I walked up and down the hals and through students to class. I was pretty beside myself and saw a brand new me. I guess i've always wanted myself to be perfect in everyone elses eyes and never bothered to ask for my own opinion.......

Summed up in one, maybe?

I guess there are so many beginnings to start at I have no I idea where to begin. Anthony and I are having a rough patch but hopefully things will smooth over in time to come. School is a bust because I offended this girl not knowing it but it's like were having a silent argument. I'm not sure if i need to face the issue address it or just let it be and avoid it. I'm not exactly sure if there is a right or wrong in the situation and I guess thats what kills the most. Sometimes I don't understand myself but people can be so complicated to the point where I give up trying to understand them. I mean our minds and bodies are so complex it's really hard to understand where anything comes from or how people's imagination can turn the world upside down. Will she ever forgive me or just leave the air open and clear for whatever to happen if anything does happen. I just want to be able to look at someone smile and be friendly instead of fearing what people think of me. It scares me more than anything when people judge me because they have no idea who I trully am on the inside. I struggle every day of me life to get out of the bed and see another bright sun in my window shining directly on me. I'm not sure if the anxiety is medical but it's definantly mentally tough for me to comprehend at times. I try to relax and smile at the little things that make me happy.I love to jam at the top of my lungs in the morning to Taylor Swift, Darius Rucker, and whatever is on the radio that I can find. It makes me feel like i'm untouchable at that moment and nothing in this world could stop me from being exaclty who I am. I don't understand why i'm not accepted by others but I guess it has to start we me first and maybe people can see a different light in me. I love to settle down with a good book and just get lost from the real world at times. I've realized a lot over the past 4 years of high school that grades and academics aren't everything in life. It's like you have to have a mixture of social, sports or hobbies, and a sense and security of who you are inside out and not rely on everyone else to make the next move for you. Sometimes standing alone is better than being in a crowd and not even know your own name.I've always wanted this dream of graduating the top of my class and receiving honors at graduation but it is so much harder than it seems. No one is there to guide you through achieving that dream accept to tell you whats next and not how the present will change what is next on the to do list. It's like you have a mind of your own and there is no use for it at times. I've gotten to the point of giving up then it's like everytime I try to the flashbacks of the past and the reasons why I have that goal keeps coming back to me. There really is no explanation or reason why as to why I just loose faith and drop my life at a moment's notice. I feel like this life is a journey and if I don't figure things out i'll be on the wrong path and miss out on the things I want greatly in life. I wish there was a handbook to life but obviously there isn't or we would all be lined up at the Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million getting a copy for whatever price. That is similar to the bible as to how it is the basic instructions before leaving earth i'm just curious as to how many people line up to purchase it. Sometimes I feel very sad inside from the things i've walked away from left behind and became grateful for. I guess we have to leave things behind in order to realize the victory that is in store for us on the path ahead. I've had to let go of some things that have always been with me and honestly it was for the best. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward and learn how to be unshakable and stand my ground. I've walked this earth with my head down at times worrying about everyone else and for once I just want to be selfish and love myself for who I am and what i've contributed in this life time. Somethings I do feel like regretting but in the end it was worth the wait and the pain I suffered through life. I guess walking on pens and needles can sometimes make our skin tough enough to let go of what ever comes after us. You know I had a friend who was amazed with me and i'll never forget those words he once spoke to me it changed me in many ways possible. He said for all the things that happen to you your a very strong person to put up with everything. At that moment I had never realized how much I had been through and put up with and was still able to stand up and continue my day with such ease as I walked up and down the hals and through students to class. I was pretty beside myself and saw a brand new me. I guess i've always wanted myself to be perfect in everyone elses eyes and never bothered to ask for my own opinion.......