Just Isn't the Same or What I Wanted

I'm finally home from my so called vacation in Chicago, Ill. It was no vacation at all to say for the least. I was very busy and barely had time to rest properly. I finally quit my job which has helped tremendously and taken off a lot of stress that should have never been apparent in the first place. I'm having the worst headache and just feel horrible and lazy. I'm going through this time in my life where i'm turning over a different chapter and refusing to face the reality because i'm scarred of what my future may hold for me. Over the past year Anthony and I have ran into a lot of issues with our families. Now that we want to get married I know the tables are going to be turning quicker than I thought. I really don't have the heart to tell Anthony no and that i'm starting to back out. That would really hurt him and I don't think he could take anymore grieve. I've been so broken down and sad that I really want to start over. I hate the fact that our relationship between our families started out so bad. I mean my parents love him by a lot but since they found out what's going on they are slowly excepting it each day. I'm actually very nervous and sickening of the thought of my wedding going down the dumps. I'm still planning it but now it looks like i'm going to be needing some help. Hopefully I can find someone with experience for military weddings because I can't go any further because I don't know his rank and if it will change upon the wedding date. Also I have no idea what family we're going to invite because obviously there are some issues that need to be dealt with and I really don't want to go through the trouble of sorting things out after the wedding. We did have a few ideas for our honeymoon and it's so funny how we can plan the honeymoon just as easy but the wedding we can barely get it together. I know he asked me to continue with planning but its gotten rough and now i'm just looking for some help. I found the location which is beautiful but now I have to price how much for the wedding and reception. Then i've chosen the bridesmaid's dress colors of a light pink. We wanted an outdoor wedding on the beach but the place I picked out is not anywhere near a beach. Hopefully we can look at other options. Also I'm def. not doing the whole first dance thing because it's really not my taste. I want to have a quick get it over with wedding and be happy. Now i'm starting to be a bit bitchy because I swear I don't want anyone trying to mess with the wedding. Trying to move go to school full time work a job and supporting my soon to be husband is tough and I just want my man to be happy. I haven't seen him in forever and it's killing me. I really can't wait until he gets home to me. I hope we can have some r & r each weekend or so. I really need to have a sit down talk with him about our marriage and wedding, where he will be stationed, home shopping, and when I can get a puppy. lol. I've been looking at dogs I wanted to get for us but he has already told me no on multiple occasions so i'll see how that plays out. I'm just not comfortable with my soon to be in laws. I just found out that a friend of mine was just dropped off to college and was seen walking the streets dressed unpleasantly. I don't even want to go into details because it would only send my blood pressure up further. I also picked up the book eat, pray, love and have yet to read it. I really want to see the movie but hopefully when my baby gets back we can see it. Only two more weeks and he is finally home and I just can't wait. I'm so anxious and excited. I have yet to tell him we won't be receiving BAH unless he already knows which he should. And his friend David is deploying too so hope someone has told him. I really need to update my baby on what's going on. Plus I have a docs appt this week and omgosh I really don't want to go. Hopefully I can get myself together before he comes home I still have to get our puzzle framed and his gifts packages. Hopefully I can figure out a way to get all his gifts together and the ipod touch. I have enough for the phone and i've bought him so many gifts that I think he is probably going to be in shock.