Frustrated

I don't really know where to begin or what to think at this point. I'm tired of competing and fighting for something i'm not sure that's going to be there in my future. As much as I want things to smooth over. I'm not exactly sure that they will anytime soon. It's been really tough and just annoying lately. I've just been hanging out every night to not think about anything. But I know soon enough I'm going to have to face it and i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. I'm scared, tired, heart broken, sad, and pissed off. I just don't want to see myself give up on something that is so real. I admit I still have my doubts and go through the what ifs and the what nots. I keep thinking about how it would be w/o him there and I really can't picture it at this point. It doesn't seem realistic at this point. I really don't know what to do or even what to say. Tears are in my eyes and my hands shake and i'm trying to get a grip but i'm not sure I can at this point. I refuse to give up because if that was the case I would have left everything back in South Carolina. Now i'm in Kentucky and I still have everything right here with me. I just need some time to think things straight and get everything together. I need to understand how things work now and I feel so lost. I wish I had a handbook to answer all of my questions and explain what I don't get. I just have so many questions unanswered and just wish I knew why. Well for one I usual don't like talking to others about my personal problems because i've never had someone to talk to in the first place. But then when someone offers I usually turn them down because i've learned from past experiences that everyone has their own set of problems and it's just better if I kept everything to myself. The truth is i'm more honest with myself than anyone else around. I keep the truth to myself because in the end it comes back to bite me in the ass. I know that I shouldn't do this because I just cause pain towards myself and spend more time hurting than healing like I should. Plus no one wants to take the time to get to know me and i'm just giving up on trying to find a friend I know that's never going to be there. My deeper issues in life coagulate around anxiety, self infliction, my love, my dog, college, and a few friends I have. There are sub issues such as marriage and my love life that is complicated but rather simple in some aspects. Our love is strong and I have faith in us. Its just making it to the next day I worry about. I worry about him and hows he is doing. He is my other half of life and I just want him happy and the best man ever.