Tomorrow....Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I face my biggest fear that has held me back for years all because of a traumatic experience I faced years earlier. I'm so nervous about tomorrow that I barely even ate anything and just really freaked out. I hate doing this and i'm not exactly sure if I can handle it. I know there will be tears but i'm really hoping that I won't back out. I really want this over with and hate the anticipation of what is before me. I'm very freaked out that i'm about to start losing it now. I really have to get up way early and hope this will all go away. I'm just so overwhelmed and tired I can't contain my anxiety. Maybe things will be better in the morning and things will change. I'm not exactly sure about this but the person who signed me up for this sh*t is way off my list. I'm so mad, frustrated, anxious, and aggravated it's hard to think straight. I'm really scarred which is rare for me to be because most of the times I just face my fears head on. I know why i'm like this but I really don't know what else to do to contain myself. I really want this all to go away. I have so much to do tomorrow and it can't wait. I have to pick up my last paycheck, bank, store.... and yada yada that has to be done. I'm very freaked out at the moment and really wished someone special was here to hold my hand. I know that i'll be just fine but not having that reassurance has thrown me off my balance at this point. I'm ready to move on from this but I guess i'm stuck just trying to figure out where to start. I'm also going through this period where i'm trying to figure out what to do about the wedding. I failed to tell my love what really has been going on and I wish I would have because when he comes home it's not going to be pretty. The only reason I held back was because everyone said I should keep quite. But I promised him i'd tell him everything good or bad and now I really don't know what to do at this point. No one wants to talk to me or even converse. I'm trying my best to keep my feelings under the table but i'm not exactly sure how that is working out so well for me. I'm keeping everything hidden for a reason to protect the person I love the most. I'm just questioning myself because I never have the intention of hurting him in any way. I always want to be honest but I don't want my words to tear him apart but then again I don't want what I was holding back to hurt him either. After every tomorrow there is always another day. Another day till he comes home. Another day till life ends. Another day till we realize what life is all about and the mistakes that we make. Lets just say that i'm not perfect and you shouldn't see me as such or put me to a perfectionism standard because obviously I will never meet that standard if you haven't noticed. But most of you won't. You expect me to be the walking angel of your life but God put me on this earth for a reason. You don't get it nor do you understand. I know ya'll just love it when I get off topic and start ranting and raving. Thats justs the southern pride I have to let someone have it. I'm not a revenge seeker but a communicator. Maybe if you tried to talk to me I wouldn't be such a biotch the entire time. I do have feelings and a heart too. Don't think for a moment your the only person involved because your not. So please don't mistake your selfishness for your feelings. If I really didn't matter then why did you appeal to me in the first place. My simple reply to this is Deal with It.